The Neighbors...

Unless you are willing to follow in the illustrious steps of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) and live in some dirty wood shack in the middle of boot-fuck nowhere, you'll have to deal with neighbors.  As a side note, how did nobody see this coming... look at this guy and his living conditions!

Most of the time, neighbors are tolerable and in some cases required (like when you build your kids play structure).  However, there are also those times when retreating to that wood shack in the forest doesn't seem like such as bad idea (like when the neighbour involved in a pyramid scheme reels you in for the wine and cheese presentation in their living room).  Generally, neighbors will fall into one, or several of the categories outlined below:

• The "Do-Gooder" - these people took over from the "welcome wagon".  They'll be there the day you move in with a Lasagna or Shepherd's Pie and full details on all the people in your neighbourhood.  Periodically, they'll make what seems like "nice gestures"... don't worry about having to pay them back - they are doing it to show everyone else how great they are.  Crisis specialists...  
• The Borrower - you know this one, a classic neighbor move.  These people seemingly have NOTHING in their home.  They borrow the most routine of items, like your toaster or cutlery.  Sure Carl, here are all my spoons ... would you like to sleep in my bed tonight as well?
• The Profiteer - this guy positions everything he does as a "favor", but he is really angling towards a sale.  He'll offer his help on your backyard landscaping project, your taxes or your snow removal, and then give you a quote on what it is going to cost you.  He is also the same pyramid scheme jack-knob referred to above.  Do your business elsewhere asshole.
• The Social Convener - these are the people who derive their self worth from hosting exclusive neighborhood parties.  These parties are always BYOB and pot luck, because although they like being "popular", they area also cheap.  Watch for the following:
• Summer BBQ
• Christmas/Holiday Party (we don't want to offend anyone now do we...)
• Halloween Fiestas - they will have the best decorated house on the block.  Both parents will dress-up and they'll turn their home into a make-shift haunted house
• The Leach - these people seemingly have you on a radar somewhere.  No matter what time or day of the week, they know exactly when you'll be arriving home.  There doesn't seem to be any reason for them to harass you, other than some fairly significant mental problems.
• The Suspected Sex Offender - there is no question that this guy is likely an older male.  He moved to the "burbs" to get away from his checkered past.  If you have kids, he instantly creeps you out.  Trust your gut on this one - don't let him near your home.  He likely looks much like Herbert Garrison from South Park before he became a she known as Janet Garrison.  
• The Block Parents - not only do these people claim to represent the entire neighborhood, they patrol it.  Usually they'll team up with some other "do-gooders" and split the night shifts.  They look down on most other parents, especially if you don't have a chariot stroller and your children drop the occasional f-bomb.
• The Imports - language and/or severe cultural differences will prevent you, and likely several others, from ever forming a real bond.  You'll pretend to "like them" with a half-assed 'hello' when you pass by them in the park or on a street walk.   Note - when imports start outnumbering you, time to get out.
• The Token Same Sex Couple(s) - if you are really lucky, you'll get a double shot of gay.  That is, a lesbian couple and a male gay couple (what is the name for that anyway?).  Even better if they have been married already.  These couples need to be described separately:
• The Lesbian Couple - they likely drive a Yukon or some larger SUV.  They need room to carry the hockey equipment after-all and the big Husky dog who enjoys a good serving of peanut butter every now and again.  Hockey in the winter, softball and golf in the summer.  One or both has hips that would make J-Lo jealous.  They likely work in some government or admin job, but could also be lawyers.  Much like Marge Simpson's sisters, these ladies will scare your children ... and dog.
• The Gay Dudes - these guys are probably both lawyers or accountants.  Given their lack of expenses (kids or women with expensive tastes),  they'll likely have nice vehicles in the driveway - call it a Volvo station wagon for the "catcher" in the relationship and a BMW 5 series for the "pitcher".  These dudes are probably the nicest people on your street - be sure to say hi, even if it's just for the free tax advice.
• The Empty Nester - the kids are gone and the pets are in.  They'll be out on the street with their animals at the oddest of times.  They are now both sleeping in separate bedrooms - dad with the golden retriever wondering whether or not he should do a late night drunk dial to the aforementioned gay dudes down the street, and mom still in the master bedroom, cuddled in with a fat old cat who needs to have its ass-hair clipped.  No mom, that chunk of brownish smelly material clumped into "Fluffy's" fur in her back-end is not supposed to be there.

There are more categories I'm sure, like the heavy woman who runs the home daycare, the guy who allegedly has a successful home business but still drives Uncle Buck's vehicle that he inherited from his grandfather (sorry Joe), or of course, the old people.  But, at some point this has to stop... 

The Culling of the Pigeons

Wow... this is a fairly messed up subject ... unless of course you engage in the popular hobby known as "culling homing pigeons".  As my favorite 'pigeon hobbyist', explains, we are simply quote "doing right" by our birds when we cull them;

"I also cull.  You may call it murder, killing or whatever, but it has to be done.  Culling is not a disgraceful thing to do, it is a must.  If you do right by your birds, then you must cull...".  

This really struck a chord with me... how could I have been so negligent in "not doing right by my birds" for all these years.  Could I really be this selfish?  So, as usual, I set out to understand the whole process of culling pigeons... the results were delightful.  There were so many questions/things to understand, like how many pigeons do you have to kill for it to count as a "cull" OR what killing methods can legally be employed?  The answers came from a true field naturalist, and modern master known as none other than Ronald St. Germain, who once proudly exclaimed that: "In the summer, when the days are as hot as your barrels, pigeon shooting comes into its own".   Really Ronny...you don't say...

He was clearly passionate about this and steadfast in his assertion that shooting was in fact the only way to get this done properly.  However, it must be said, he is not fond of pigeon shooting in the winter.  Still, I was skeptical, what does a guy named Ronald know about anything?  To prove he was in fact a true pigeon sharp shooter, he took me to his morning haul... as you will see below... shocking:

Undeniable evidence... this guy is good.  I am now fully bought into what he is selling.  To help with my future in the hobby, he explained two core rules to observe when hunting pigeons (think of the old Chinese dude in the antique store in Gremlins #1)

• First, Don't let them moon-blink you - most think this is just a hoax created by those bastards that made the film: The Legend of the Guardian: The Owls of Ga'Hoole.  If you actually believe that, the hoax is on you my friend...the hoax is on you.  Not only do owls use this tactic to trick other owls into being subservient by forcing them to stare at the moon for 12 hours straight, it is also a well known pigeon defensive tactic employed against only the most serious of pigeon hunters... frankly I'm suprised you didn't know that already.  Although not a pigeon (rather a barn blinking owl), this photo will give you an idea of what it is like to be truly moon-blinked.  So, don't let pigeons trick you into looking at the moon... 

• Second, Picture the Kill & Execute the Basics: picture this, you are driving home on a summer's afternoon when you pass a recently harvested field; a god-like voice calls out from the wooded area below, triggering an instant feeling of "this is my time".  One moment there was just a fresh cut field.  The next, the air is full of grey and white birds twisting and turning in the sky, just waiting for you to shoot them.  This is where you come to life and go through the lessons of Ronald Ste. Germain:
• build your "hide" - you can buy a good hide at any local hunting equipment store, or build one from random sticks and leaves.
• setup your decoy - again, better to bring your own, but you can make decoys out of wooly grey and white socks stuffed with leaves.
• consider their flight line and the wind speed - pigeons tend to zig-zag in the sky, anticipate the angles my friends.
• pull the trigger and watch that sucker fall...

I thanked Ronald for his advice and immediately drove to a family members home.  I knew he was having trouble with pigeons and had offered a bounty of $3/per head (don't think less of me, I was short on cash and needed to pay some bills). Well, a few hours and $30K later, "pigeon culling" became my loving mistress... here is the video footage:

Yup... what the fuck?

The End.

Things That Just Piss Me Off... Part #1 of who knows how many

Those that know me well would agree I'm an irritable young fellow, at least that is how my great grandmother used to describe me before she lost all of her teeth... As I used to explain to her, while choking on some mouldy old rosebuds that she insisted on feeding me every visit, I just have a different point of view than the average person.  You see, most people just sort of let life pass them by and accept things for what they are (nothing wrong with that... sometimes I wish I could shop at Walmart and not feel bad about myself too)  But that is not me...  Every moment of every day brings another opportunity for me to question its validity.  I suppose that is why a lot of people have started to call me L.D., or Larry David for you assholes who don't watch Curb Your Enthusiasm.  Either way, I'm not sure the L.D. reference is a compliment, but being the positive person I am... I'll take it that way.

To put this in context, consider the d-bag sippin' a latte at Starbucks while chatting away on his bluetooth... maybe I'll let the real L.D. handle this one...

And with that, I begin my list of "things that just piss me off":

1. The "Tip" Function on Debit Machines - I'm OK with this WHEN a tip is warranted (note for a separate topic - only tip for great service - servers who "assume" they'll get a tip should be fired).  However, if I ordered a pizza and picked it up, don't have your debit machine ask me for a tip.  Hey large human like creature behind the counter... What did you do to earn my tip?  Whats that...  folding pizza boxes, and answering the phone all day... no TIP for you! 
2. Being Charged for Bags @ The Grocery Store - are you kidding me?  Don't hide behind your "Green Initiative" and make me pay for your low grade plastic bags.  I see through your money making scheme.  
3. Public Displays of Affection - someone with as great a love of internet porn as me is generally fine with affection, just not in front of me.  I'm not sure what is worse, the high school kids making out with subway lettuce stuck in their braces in the food court, OR, the recent divorcee who has found new love with a guy who has been living in his mom's basement for 45 years... Find a room people.  If you are really ugly, I'll pay for it.
4. People Who Cycle to Work in the Winter - It is bad enough that you cycle, but now you are doing it in -20 degree weather and during snow storms?  Buy a car, car pool with your neighbors, or get a transit pass.  Ridiculous.  
5. Entry Level Jobs That Require Work Experience - Make the decision, are you hiring entry level employees OR do you want people to take a pay-cut and/or demotion to work in your mail room?     What good is experience anyway?  The business world changes so fast now that you should be retiring the dinosaurs and giving young minds an opportunity.

Attention all 4 of you who will read this, stay tuned for future updates on such things as people who ride all-terrain vehicles or seadoos, the equestrian world and riding competitively after the age of 18, the obsession with perfectly green lawns in the suburbs, the "sport" called ultimate frisbee, Dr. Pepper, and of course... people who ask the question "what's this social networking thing all about"?

Super Bowl Sunday and Brown Monday

Right about now most people I know are settling in for a night of gluttony and football.  It is a great North American tradition that everyone should celebrate, even if you hate football.  In fact, Super Bowl parties rank #1 in North America ahead of New Years Eve for home parties... For 4 years now, my friends and I have been refining a tradition, where the menu gets better each and every year.  I'll get back to that in a minute because what I really want to touch on here is what could only be described as "Brown Monday"... otherwise known as the day after Super Bowl.

Brown Monday is like Christmas, in that it only comes once per year and typically gets worse as the day goes on.  It is a day that is dreaded by every janitor, "custodian", or house keeper.   Just ask poor Jimmy here... you can bet he won't be so joyful tomorrow...

Why is Brown Monday so bad?  What is it?  Well, lets get back to the Super Bowl party menu for a minute to shed some light on this situation, shall we...

On special today, we have the following:

• "Chizza" - that's right, combining two of the best foods in the entire world into one scrumptrulescant meal (pizza crust topped with delicious chili and the finest cheddar cheese).  If you haven't tried it, you must.
• KFC - the full feast.  Largest bucket of chicken available, multiple salads including the green coleslaw (what the F is that shit anyway?), fries and a massive thing of gravy (let it go cold just for fun - it turns into a KFC version of jello)
• Tortilla chips with multiple dips (guacamole, salsa, combination of guacamole, salsa, sour cream and cheddar)
• Chicken wings - ok, maybe we have too much chicken, but if you don't put your mouth on a wing on Super Bowl sunday...forget it...join the no-fun team.
• Chips - and lots of them - doritos, salt and vinegar, and dill pickle are recommended
• Haagen Dazs ice cream bars - wow... I'm pretty sure god invented these.
• One bite brownies
• Candy - bowls of it everywhere (M & M's, skittles, etc)
• Beer - not just one brand, but beers of the world.  I abhor anything in a brown bottle, so all bottles will be green or clear... not sure why really.
• And for the ladies, a vegetable tray with hummus.  I won't even think of touching that on this sacred day.

Now, everyone knows that Super Bowl ranks #2 to American Thanksgiving in terms of calorie counts...

If you ask around or do a google search, you'll find several elaborate descriptions of Super Bowl gluttony. People like to talk about it and share their menu's.  What they don't like to talk about is the after effect of slamming beers and eating several "rich or fatty" foods.  That is where I come in...

For those health nuts OR those simply afflicted with the horrid condition of IBS (there are dozens of us out there), I found this interesting guide to avoiding Brown Monday - An IBS'ers Guide to Avoiding Brown Monday.

Being the student of life that I am, I will document all of the changes that happen to my body, starting now with pre-game snacks and my first Heineken, to the KFC and the Chizza, to the chips, brownies, and ice cream and finally with the morning coffee... hello Brown Monday ... here I come.

* Update (8:56pm) * - 21-17 for the Packers... but I'm concerned for their welfare... I have now successfully ingested 8 green bottled beers, 2 awful pieces of KFC (genius) and the disgusting green salad, 2 pieces of CHIZZA (the best version of all-time), all of the chips, haagen dazs, and a bunch of shit I don't even remember... the problems have already started... I feel "swishing" in my gut and if I close my eyes the world turns a reddish hue... I think the blast is coming... stay tuned and be advised just in case this affects you wherever you may be.  Furthermore and off topic, I'll take this opportunity to suggest that Canadians cease all efforts to create anything that would normally be broadcast on CTV, CBC, Global or elsewhere.  Your shit is terrible and you know it.  Just stop.  I'm embarrassed for you.  Also, I hate poo poo humour... ok I don't... you caught me.

* Update #2 * - 28-17 Packers... they seem to have reeled it in a bit - 2 more green beers and another slice of CHIZZA... oh god... I can hear myself getting fatter.  While I was typing that, Pittsburgh scored... make it 28-25 Packers after a 2 point conversion from the Raplessburgers... so, it appears the maelstrom is brewing even outside of my IBS impacted interior...

* Update #3 * (10:02pm) - 31-25 Packers - Steelers have the ball with just over a minute left.. speaking of which, it feels like Jesus has reached inside of my interior and grabbed me by the stomach and testicles.  There is not going to be a positive outcome here, no matter who wins.

* Update #4 * (10:08pm) - Packers win ... my stomach loses... big time.  I'm like that asshole from "Supersize Me" right now... I wish you could see it, but I'm not going to post the pic.  A few more beers before I hit the hay and call this beautiful day for what it is and what is was.  Final update coming in the AM, which will no doubt be the most thrilling part, at least for Jimmy the Janitor.  Tomorrow is going to be just awful... not like watching my dad eat a sandwich awful, but almost.

* Final Update * (9:14am on Brown Monday) - good ol' Brown Monday came in with a bang in the wee hours...what started as a pretty healthy game of dutch oven quickly spun out of control.  Based on the odd animal like sounds eminating from my abdomen, I'm going to lose some serious weight today.

Happy Brown Monday everyone!  If you see a janitor, "custodian", or house keeper, give them a hug... won't you.

Psychics...etc.

I don't even know where I stand on the topic of psychics... but I will say this... the entire concept of reading into the future is pretty much crazy, unless your name is Marty or Doc Brown and you have clearly been there in your Delaurian.  88 miles per hour fellas... watch out for that old clock tower...

Other than thinking about the Back to the Future trilogy, my mind often wanders to such skits as the one below when the topic of psychic readings comes up:

What qualifies one to be a psychic?  Based on my experience, the answer is really this... nothing at all.  What experience has developed this opinion you might ask?  One, a tarot card reader who doubled as a bartender at a golf course (a.k.a - an alcoholic of gargantuan proportions).  I'm not really even sure if she knew what she was doing, but I can tell you this ... if "witches" really exist, she is one of them.  Experience #2 occurred a few years ago when my lady friend decided to send away for an internet psychic reading, so that I could better understand where I came from... huh?  I'm already confused honey, but I'll indulge.  Anyway, 4 weeks later a white "tape" (note - you couldn't put it on a CD ... clearly a red flag) arrived in the mail enclosed in an envelope that was marked with a fingerprint and one name... that name of course was Guardian.  Who else would it be.  So, in his infinite wisdom, guardian claimed that I had been a priest in at least 4 lifetimes. Additionally, in each of these lifetimes I was burned to death for my strong opinions... Guardian went on to claim that I would have two children (check), live in a Tudor home (check), and that this home would be located near the water (check) ... shit ... maybe this isn't as much bullshit as you would think.  Even crazier, a priest named J.P. once tried to convince me to become a "man of the cloth" ... or was he trying to convince me to do something else... it is foggy given the drugs involved.

* Update * - After writing this, I impregnated my lady friend just to fuck with Guardian's predictions.  Take that Guardian ... take that.

Old Women Who Dance...Anywhere

Dear Internet,

Why is it that 35% of women over the age of 50 dance like Elaine from Seinfeld?  For those of you who need a reminder of what this abortion of human movement looks like, you need not look any further...

You are probably sitting there questioning the logic behind the 35% rating...admit it.  I can tell you that this is all based on solid fact and years of keen observation.  Take a step back and think about the following situations:

1. All-inclusive resorts - basically a "safe haven" for the "elaine dance".  Even the most rational of the group has a hard time not busting out some god forsaken dance move in this environment.  No question the issue here, copious amounts of alcohol and prison quality food.
2. Weddings - enough said.  Is that cotton-eyed Joe I hear?
3. Concerts - particularly those in large arena setups that include horrid in-seat dancing.  Please, keep your elbows in lady.  I've seen my buddies die in the muck from a blow with half the propulsion of your elbow twitch...
4. Small night clubs or concerts that attract people that are clearly on a day pass from a mental institution... Sometimes identifying a "crazy" is harder than you think...you go through a real range of emotions trying to be sure... here is a tip - if they have massive pit stains AND/OR urinate in their pants, there is something wrong.
5. A teachers end of year party - you know the one... Principal so and so holds the party at his cottage.  A "Ghetto Blaster" from 1996, a CD collection that proudly features Kenny G, Rod Stewart, and Justin Bieber (just to prove that he/she is "hip") records, some pilsner beer and of course pre-made mixed drinks.  About 32% of the teachers show up for this bash.  All of them have sweaters, despite the balmy weather.  After some lemon gin smoothies and microwave popcorn, they bust out the dance... a room full of coffee stains and bad moves.
6. etc

The news isn't all bad though, 65% of women over 50 actually opt not to dance, so thankfully the "Elaine moves" will remain in the minority for the foreseeable future.  When you consider that reality, we all have a lot to be thankful for

Back to my bottle of Jameson...

Cyclists and Cross Country Skiers...are they the same people?

Isn't this really the question we all ask ourselves from time to time?  Why do these people insist on cycling in their jerseys?  Do people really take cross-country skiing seriously?

To find out the answers to these questions and more, I hit both trails and the streets to dig for answers.  First I came upon a what could only legally be described as a group of just wonderful people...  They filled me on the importance of race bibs, frilly scarves, and their shared love of the #8.  It was really very informative.

Then I blacked out for 4 months and found myself in the Tour de France.  A good luck, bad luck situation if I've ever heard of one...  As much as I despise cycling and cyclists in general, I was shocked that I could hate it this much.  It was at this point that I decided to interview a few riders and get to the bottom of this important question... of course the best answers came from Darth Vader's brother.  You guessed it...Pascal Vader.

Anyway, long story short, Pascal confirmed what I have always assumed... aerodynamic helmets do not in fact make one "cooler" or more "acceptable".  Having said that, apparently they make you faster and keep your head safe.  What up with that...

So, in conclusion, it is clearly apparent we learned nothing in this exercise, but I still maintain that cyclists and cross-country skiers are in fact the same people.