Office Bathroom Etiquette

Dear Internet,

Recently my colleagues and I had a lengthy discussion on the topic of office bathroom etiquette.  This is really a wide ranging topic and potentially one that I'm not capable of addressing in its entirety within the context of this blog, but I'll try.  As with most things in life and an office, there are certain rules that one should observe:

1. Location, Location, Location - the 3 L's of real estate also apply to office urinating or defecating.  If you are fortunate enough to work for a company that offers multiple bathroom options, such as a public facility or stadium, I recommend staking your claim on an appropriate location.  For example, the equivalent of waterfront property in this case is the wheelchair stall.  It is both spacious and generally less disgusting.
2. Focus on the task - don't even consider bringing files or reading your blackberry while "takin' care of business".   Does this even need to be explained?  Nobody likes the guy that talks to his wife while he is shitting... nobody.  Furthermore, are you really going to touch your blackberry after you touch your ass... come on... you are better than that.  Take a few minutes for yourself - you deserve it ... leave your spreadsheets, emails, and call backs for the post-shit (or piss) refractory period.
3. One on One time - if you sidle on up to a urinal, don't try and carry on a conversation with the person beside you.  Let it be.  We are both trying to urinate and we don't need to talk.  Fuck off.  If you want to book a one on one meeting with me, you know where to find me.
4. Diarrhea - once is OK... we've all done it - occasionally it is just caused by a bold Starbucks vs actual flu.  However, if you find yourself running to the bathroom on multiple occasions, go home.  There is no question you are sick and you WILL infect other people, unless you aggressively use a quality hand sanitizer product - industrial strength or better.
5. General body cleanliness - finally, and for the love of god... wash your hands.  If you absolutely cannot, please cover your hands in paper towel when opening doors AND never try to shake my hand again.  I hate you.

I just puked in my mouth.

Funeral Sandwiches

Why do we cheap out on food when people die?  Shouldn't that be a time when we just eat ourselves into a coma?  Who came up with the plan to have old ladies make up egg or tuna salad sandwiches in a church basement?  They are terrible -  I would never eat them.  It is an insult and you all know it.

Recently my family actually pulled off the Joe Carter World Series home run move, well, at least in the world of funeral catering.  This can only really be explained by the man himself...

As an aside, the only part of this random thought that doesn't make sense is the pitcher with the Kenny Powers mullet in this video... you are a pro athlete dude... have some respect... but that didn't make sense in 1993 either.  Either way, Joe Carter basically told him to take his crust less funeral sandwiches and shove them.

So, in summary, don't cheap out on funeral catering.  Put a little $ and energy into it.  There should be passed appetizers of some kind (definitely chicken fingers and spring rolls...a staple at every quality funeral).  Go open bar... everyone needs it, let's not kid ourselves.  You may even consider taxi chits, especially for the extended family.

Just sayin'...