Bad Drivers - How to Spot 'Em

I have limited patience for anything in life, but limited drops to none when it comes to bad drivers.  In fact, one of the primary reasons for me to move out of the city and to the sticks was to get away from traffic lights and the exploding number of Honda Civics in my city.  Having said that and despite my best efforts, bad drivers continue to haunt me at every turn, especially this past week where the universe seemed hell bent on making sure I either crashed my car OR had a heart attack.  I think a heart attack is easier on the wallet.

Anyway, while trying to avoid a goulash of horrid motor vehicle skills, it occurred to me that one can be more proactive on the roads by identifying poor drivers before a potential accident occurs.  Essentially, make an assessment on every other vehicle on the road based on generalizations and stereotypes. 

With this in mind, I started to build a list with the goal of training myself to avoid those that fall into the categories outlined below (menace(s) to society).  I encourage you to do the same immediately.  Think of yourself as the nerdy profiler from Criminal Minds and make a game out of it. 

Dr. Spencer Reid

Although definitely incomplete, here is a copy of my “drivers to avoid" list so far to help you on your way.

• Anyone who drives vehicles like:
• The aforementioned Honda Civic  or the Toyota Corolla – as my friend recently told me, this vehicle class is typically either driven by “loose women”, punks in high school or college, or new Canadians.  Stereotypes, yes.  All generally bad drivers?  Also yes.
• Fiat, Smart Car, or the Prius – first, these people obviously don’t care about driving in the first place based on their vehicle choice, second, their vehicles are largely incapable of going any faster than 60 km/hr
• Anything rusty (Pontiac Sunfires, Chevrolet Cavaliers, Old Model Dodge/Chrysler Minivans) - Very often you’ll also find these vehicles to have one of those “foggy” tint jobs that was likely done with some “do it yourself” kit in 1992.
• Anything beige – again, a generalization, but how often do you see anyone cool or competent driving a beige vehicle?  Beige is typically the colour that the dealers reserve for the elderly or the budget conscious.
• Any vehicle sporting a “we support the troops decal” – hey, I’m all for supporting the troops, but this decal is unfortunately an indicator that the driver is either extremely old (think WW2 war veteran old) OR a country hick.  Both are described in further detail below.
• The vehicle has been customized – the performance muffler, the Andre the giant sized spoiler, the racing striping package – usually some guy in his teens or early 20’s with a small cock in the drivers’ seat, or an Asian dude.

• Unleashed dog roaming in vehicle – it is shocking how often this sighting is paired with a Subaru Outback.   Those that drive with a dog running all over the interior of the vehicle are often distracted and painfully slow.
• The Super Mom – The super mom is easily identified based on the vehicle (SUV or minivan with 7 seats) and the soccer ball decal or “baby on board” sign in the window.  Despite the fact they are driving at speeds of 80-100 km/hr with their highest value items, the physical act of driving the vehicle is the last thing on their mind.  What is on their mind?  Well, that includes changing radio stations or the songs on their IPOD, doing their make-up while looking into the rear view mirror, passing juice and snacks back to their kids or adjusting the DVD player,  updating their facebook status with something their kid just said or did so their other “Circle of Moms” friends stay current, etc.

• Vanity Plates – First of all, just get the regular randomly generated license plate and fuck off already.   A vanity plate more or less confirms that the driver of the vehicle is an arrogant self absorbed prick.  Although, what guy wouldn't want to meet the woman with this plate...

• Multiple Dents and Colours – a small scratch here and there does not mean someone is a poor driver, that is just regular wear and tear.  However, when there is clear vehicle damage in more than one location, get out of the way.  Also, look for random paint colours on the front and rear bumper depending on your view. 
• Smart Phones/Stupid People – although illegal, at least 50% of cell phone users continue to text and talk without a hands free device.  Spotting someone with a phone in hand is easy.  You must, however, work much harder to identify the texter/emailer.  This person is typically doing the head bob, where they read/type for a few seconds and quickly look-up, then resume reading/typing.  This cycle continues to repeat itself.  Pass this person immediately.

• The Ghost Driver – the ghost driver is that person who is either just not big enough to drive a car (physically or based on age).  As the name essentially describes, this driver appears to be absent when approaching the vehicle from behind.  I only avoid ghost drivers as their field of vision is obviously limited.
• Road Head in Progress – everyone remembers when Steve Martin got road head in the movie Parenthood right?  Although aired in 1989, it does seem to play every 3-4 weeks for some unknown reason.  Anyway, although your instincts make you want to clap when you sniff out road head, I strongly suggest to get the F out of the way.  At some point the dude driving the car is going to give his wife or girlfriend a facial and swerving will ensue.

Clearly Steve Martin getting blown in Parenthood

• Old People – why is it that old people seem to always purchase the biggest 4 door car possible (ex. Chrysler 300, Lincoln town cars, etc)?  Aside from the vehicle choice and hair colour, the elderly seem to struggle with the concepts of: driving the speed limit, using their signal lights, and stopping for pedestrians.  Additionally, they seem to view road signs or traffic lights as mere suggestions.

• The Country Hick – this is not meant to suggest that all country drivers are poor, just those that get off on stapling pictures of Osama Bin Laden on a tree in an abandoned campground and then using it for target practice.  These “lads” typically drive an “always muddy” pick-up truck, Pontiac something, or a Chevrolet Camaro.  The vehicle will also feature some sort of sticker with a ridiculous slogan, playboy decals, and flames.



I told ya I'd getcha Osama

 You should also avoid anyone with “swivel head” action going on.  This means they are basically checking everything else out, except the road.  Additionally, the church bizzaresque bumper sticker collection is a good indicator of inferior intelligence, and should therefore be approached with caution.

Yup, I’m an asshole...