The Evolution of Ranking Humans

Well it's Sunday today, which means only one thing...I'm watching that show about that thing on the Discovery Channel.  It is a ritual.  Today's show has featured the evolution of mankind from the cave to the iPhone.  This reminded me of two things.  1 - just like the stockholders of RIM, I need to dump the blackberry in favour of something much cooler.  2- I should shave my caveman like beard so young families stop running away from me in the park.  Having said that, the beard does make me look more intellectual, which really only serves a purpose when I'm invited to a wine and cheese party with snobby/yuppie d-bags.  Anyway, the whole evolution thing "got me thinkin" about how humans may have in fact peaked and we are now on the wrong side of the mountain.  You just need to review the headlines each day to know that is the case (see earlier blog re “the headlines”).   Not to get to philosophical on your asses, but human beings have generally lost touch with what it means to be human.

One sure sign of our evolving disconnect between right and wrong is the transformation of how we “rank” members of the opposite sex.  A simple “she/he is hot or not” has evolved into a complicated math formula that even some of the most advanced intellects don’t understand.  What’s more, the determination of a positive ranking is based less on who you are and more on what you look like, especially if you have invested in some technological beauty enhancements.  To illustrate what I’m talking about, consider the following:

·     1950 - Men commonly referred to a girl they wanted to fuck as “swell” (as in – “did you see Mildred in art class today, she really looked swell”).  Another great word used in this era was “snazzy”.

·     1980-1999 – Words like “cute” and “hot” became more common references to describe those that we found attractive

·     2000 – The website Hot or Not was founded by two electrical engineers who graduated from Berkeley (U of California).  I can just imagine what these guys look like.  Anyway, for those out of the loop, this site allowed users to post photos of people and allow the mass populous to rate the people depicted in the photo based on their looks alone.  This helped to sway an already morally bankrupt society further into the red.

·     2005 – Words like “smokin’”, “steaming”, and “face melter” became more trendy

·     2009 – It became commonplace to use numbers instead of words to describe women.  “She is a 10 dude” or “Oh pig vomit, that bitch is like a 2”.

·     2011 – After years of research and a fake sociology degree obtained online, the Lighthouse Attendant releases a new 0-5 scale that is sure to change to face of our society…

So, in the spirit of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”, here goes nothin’:

0.   The Land Monster – this “thing” invokes an instant reaction of heaving while covering your mouth.  It is not just the inevitable cottage cheese smell or cankles, but the sheer sight of it’s face makes you want to shove your head up your own ass.  It is safe to say that 3% of the population is represented in this category.  Many of them are from Smiths Falls.

1.   The Mutt – potentially a family cross bread experiment gone wrong.  They are likely somewhat over OR under weight with a blue cheese odor, coke bottle glasses, and hair that rivals a straw sun hat.  I’ll say 12% of the population falls into this category (or 80% of the 1980’s).

2.   Deception – much like that terribly overrated Leo DiCaprio film Inception, a “2” is good from a far, but far from good.  Very fuckin’ far frankly.  From the other side of the gymnasium, you could swear this girl is legitimately fuckable.  Upon further review, she looks like that gap between your asshole and your nuts…not good.  If you get drunk enough, you’ll probably be willing to take it down, but you’ll never admit it to your friends.  Sadly, 20% of the population falls into this grouping.  Curiously, many of them are from England and Asia…

3.   Even Steven – they won’t impress you, but they also won’t disappoint.  If you don’t really care about getting routine hard-ons, this is where you should settle in.  They’ll make you breakfast on the weekends, do your laundry, and generally be your slave – no questions asked.  They know you are doing them a favour.  35% of the world’s population falls into category 3.

4.   Marriage Material – Great face, better body, and smells like what I imagine “Miggs” to sense when Clarice walked by his cell in Silence of the Lambs.  She is not “too hot”, so you don’t have to worry about her cheating on you.  As an additional bonus, she is also wicked smart and likely has a better career than you do.  20% of the world’s population falls into category.

5.   Roasting/Steaming/Blazing Hot – This creature appears to be the offspring of God himself and the IBM super computer (who I imagine to be a woman for this illustration).  She is so unbelievable that you start shaking at the knees and seeing the world like Monet.  In this moment, you wish had Jesus-like powers to turn this loaf of ass into baskets of fishes…errr. 

*Note – a bonus point can be applied to anyone in the 0-4 category if they pay for certain physical enhancements, like breast implants, tummy tucks, tongue rings.  This assumes, of course, that they hired a legitimate professional to complete the work vs. Dr. Taxi Driver working out of some back alley in china town.

Watch for the new lighthouse attendant rating scale website, where I simply plan to copy “hot or not” and collect advertising fees for banner ads and eventually pre-roles for the video content.

If you take any of this seriously and/or are offended by it, you probably enjoyed the “women’s studies” course in first year.  Here is a treat for you fucko.

Until we meet again.