God, I love the world wide web...
Anyway, apparently I don't have the same level of commitment that I thought I did. I'm ashamed to admit that a combination of summer activities, drinking and smoking like Andrew Dice Clay, and an insane job have all but sucked up every second of my time over the past month and a half. Having said that, all is not lost for I have sucked the teet of greatness many times during the summer of my discontent.
It all started with my first (and last) trip to Las Vegas (aka a much better Niagara Falls, minus the water falls and reasonable weather). This trip started out as strictly business, but ended up with a severe case of dehydration, chronic fatigue syndrome, Alzheimer's, and a rash that continues to puzzle doctors. Despite the ongoing medical issues, I have to admit that I recommend this as a destination for those willing to spend some serious $$$ to have a great time. I'm probably not cool enough to speak of such things like the In-N-Out Burger, snorting cocaine off hookers, throwing cash in the air at the bar, or dropping ten grrr on roulette, so I'll leave the cool aspects of Vegas to Tucker Max and proceed with my cynical viewpoint (shocker alert). Here we go:
- Plastic and/or Wax History - It is true what they say about the desert, be warned of the mirage. Instead of a palm tree and a camel drinking from a pool of water, the mirage is actually a city called Las Vegas. A city which simply rips off all the good it can find from other places in the world. The Venetian? Simply a plastic and concrete replica of Venice. New York New York? Can you say Genius! Genius! I did. The Luxor? A photocopy of the pyramids. Rumour has it they have entombed Elvis here. If you don't care about seeing the real thing, this is a great way to tour the world while never leaving the strip I guess...
- Dirty Slots - I've read many times about the amount of fecal matter embedded into movie theatre seats, but I've never really seen anything that addresses how disgusting a slot machine is. #1. Take a look at the people who play slot machines routinely. They are just gross. Even the "second class" citizens have voted these people off the island. #2. When do these machines get cleaned? I've never seen it happen. The casinos are basically open all the time every day, so I shutter to think what type of bacteria exists on the surface of the penny slots, or the Wheel of Fortune machines...
- Foot Tapping Tunes - word to the wise people, don't stay in The Venetian. Although it is a freakin' beautiful casino/hotel/mall/resort, they play show tunes on a loop for the entire duration of your stay. Give me Phantom of the Opera...No? Give me Jersey Boys... No? Give me Les Miserables... insanity. The only thing worse than the music are the people that actually enjoy it. Consider the elevator ride with the cliche overweight lesbian who just effin loves everything AL Webber... it smells like Tide detergent and is generally not cool.
- United Nations For Retarded People - Vegas presents a sampling of travellers from all over the planet. Asians, Australians, Aspergers (wait...), Germans, South Americans, Jehovah's Witnesses (wait...), Russians, Swedes, Taliban's (wait...)... It is great to see so many countries, religions, or philosophical points of view coming together to enjoy each others company... However, I gotta say that these people aren't necessarily the best of the best from their particular "group". They are the definition of "don't judge a book by it's cover". In fact, I'm 90% sure that the vast majority of them are pretentious illiterates...
- You Just Gotta Spend - now being the man whore that I am, I've witnessed or played the starring role in many an orgy (huh...hummm). However, I've never seen so many people literally blow loads of money and bodily fluids in retail malls, stores, outlets, casinos, and so on. I watched one 19 year old kid blow $7K at a black jack table in 15 minutes. No shit. I think he may have shot himself after, but it was tough to be sure based on the condition of the remains. I guess somebody forgot to tell visitors of Vegas that the worldwide economic crisis ain't over yet or some guy named Vinny is presently "repoing" their house.
- Paparazzi - this is the only city I've ever been to where white people out number the Asians in terms of camera use. Who wants to remember their time there anyway? Hide the fuckin evidence.
- Does Anyone Cook Their Own Food? - I counted. You can't take more than 12 steps without hitting a place that serves food (or hookers, which arguably is the same thing). Upon further review, there is actually one restaurant for every 25 full time residents in Las Vegas. When you consider the total number of unsuspecting tourists who fly into this great city each day, I suppose the # of restaurants is appropriate.
- Hooker Trading Cards - also known as excellent "coasters" for the bar in your home, hooker trading cards are routinely handed out by Filipino nationals who have decided to flee the beauty of their home country for the filth of Las Vegas (and the promise of more $). Nice move. I struggle to understand why any guy would feel the need to pay for sex in a city where it is almost an automatic. You just need to show up with a decent pair of pants and shoes.
I actually checked myself into emergency right after the flight. No, it wasn't for the rash. That came later like the butterfly effect. It was for an unrelated injury sustained when a large rock decided to land on my hand while building a sacrificial bonfire, turning my hand into a new school version of the elephant man's face.
Be that as it may, I am back to 75% health (aka normal) and back in training for the Oly's. Look for me to get back to championship form in the coming days/weeks, or until I fall back into a Las Vegas coma.
