As a former pothead and father for 6 years now, I have seen my fair share of kids TV and movies for distinctly different reasons. In fact, if we use Malcolm Gladwell's definition of what makes one a true expert (10,000 hours of practice), then I would say I am a gold medalist or Nobel Prize winner in this category. The tipping point for me, and perhaps the inspiration behind this particular post, is the following little bit of insanity from a show called The Wiggles... As one individual pointed out in the comment section on youtube, this drug inspired puppet with the creepy face is clearly repeatedly pointing at his "junk" while a crab jumps up from down below (uhhhh what...)...
As I have explained others in the past, The Wiggles to me is like Mary Hart's voice to Kramer from Seinfeld. The only difference is that rather than having a seizure, I am immediately struck by a tidal wave of nausea causing diarrhea to bust from the seams... Do we really want our kids watching this? What exactly are we supposed to learn from this, other than to run when we see The Wiggles coming? Frankly, I'd rather have my kids watch Pulp Fiction than this show.... Having said that, I'm not sure what drug is used to inspire this lunacy, but I want it immediately.
Unfortunately this issue is not isolated to The Wiggles. In fact, I would hypothesize that over 65% of children's entertainment is created by those "under the influence" of some mind altering substance. As the following will explain, this is not just a recent phenomenon, rather one that has crossed several generations without anyone really knowing and/or caring. What's more, kids everywhere are eating this shit up like a junky with an eight ball (which raises the question... are people on drugs really just reverting to the mental state of a child? Is that why they enjoy it so much? More on that later).
- Pee Wee's Playhouse - anyone in their mid 20's to 40's will remember this classic. Although I'm reasonably certain some illegal shit went on during the production of this show, it was legitimately good and funny. Unless of course, you were a member of the Playhouse Gang and were potentially exposed to some of the aforementioned illegal activity. I'll quickly summarize the show and let you determine whether you feel sobriety played any role in its creation... consider this - Pee Wee Herman (mentally unstable skinny guy with the gray suit) would arrive each episode to the Playhouse in Puppetland (red flag people). The house featured a collection of characters dug up from the unsettling subconscious mind of one Paul Reubens, such as: Chairy (a talking chair), The Magic Screen, Conky the Robot, Jambi the Genie and more. Can you say crystal meth... altogether now people... In addition to those on the interior of the Playhouse, it was often also visited by characters like Captain Carl or Cowboy Curtis. If for no other reason but a flashback to your own childhood, take a minute to watch this collection of disbelief...
- In the Night Garden - you need only watch about 30 seconds of this show to draw the same conclusion that I have... they are on ACID... and a lot of it. You see, the night garden is essentially just one messed up trip that, according to show producers, is meant to help children relax and achieve a calming relationship with their parents... Are these the same people who think giving their kids Gravol while traveling is OK? Geez kids, why don't we cuddle under a blanket, watch someones acid flashback, eat some popcorn and form an even stronger bond! Wooo! Note to parents - anything featuring characters with names like Iggle Piggle, Ninky Nock, Makka Pakka or Upsy Daisy should be avoided at all costs. Watch this clip... you'll quickly understand...
- Teletubbies - if you want to hypnotize kids with a TV show, look no further. If you yourself want to get fucked up and laugh, I'll repeat... look no further. Much like "In the Night Garden", this show seems to be one giant hallucination featuring multi-coloured characters of an unknown species named Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po who only seem to have the ability to speak (mostly gyberish) and move like babies (rolling around, touching bums, etc). Speaking of babies, the 'tubbies seem to really struggle with eating. If you get the chance, watch them down a healthy serving of Tubby Custard or Tubby Toast... true magic. The characters live in the Tubbytronic Superdome, which is naturally set in the backdrop of rolling greenery underneath the steady hand of the Sun God (enough said). Over the course of any episode, unforgettably ridiculous moments will occur, like the video segments screneed on the tv's located on their belly. If that is not ridiculous enough, periodically show producers will crank up the insanity a bit further and insert content that will leave you with several questions, like the time a pink house magically appeared with a puppetlike man singing from its window (huh?). If you have not seen this glorious masterpiece yet, you must. Here is a clip, which I believe directly speaks to the entire hypothesis of this post - the Teletubbies perform the Jimmy Hendrix classic Purple Haze...exactly...
- Toopy & Binoo - I'm convinced that the creators of this show were watching old clips of the ambiguously gay duo from SNL while smoking a bong when WHAMMO the idea hit like hurricane Katrina - let's make a show about the adventures of a cross dressing mouse and a mute white plush cat. The outcome of this idea... you guessed it... disturbing kids TV. How about we model appropriate behaviour for kids by having Toopy and Binoo play together in a bubble bath? Yes, great idea Bob, do up the storyboard... (note to parents - there are websites devoted to the perceived inappropriate behaviour exhibited by our two heroes in this scene).
The digger you deep, the more you'll find evidence of drug use in the creation of kids entertainment. Shows or movies like The Neverending Story, Spirited Away, The Smurfs, Fraggle Rock, Sesame Street, or anything on the Disney Channel provide further proof. What do we do about it? Nothing. As long as we aren't wearing fur coats or using aerosol cans, then I guess everything is just the way it should be...right? The last word goes to my good man, Dave Chappelle:
