Things You Should Never Wear In Public

Let me start this one off with yet another confession... most of my clothes suck.  I have as much fashion sense as a dude coding it up in some fucking computer science lab with a Harry Potter t-shirt and some masking tape holding his glasses together.  However, just because you don't possess the budget to purchase high end clothing or "the gay gene", doesn't mean that you can't have an opinion on what not to wear.  Cutting to the chase, here it comes, the master list of things that you should never wear in public, unless you fancy getting beaten down by the fashion Nazis:

• School branded jackets or shirts - 9 times out of ten, this is a guy or a lesbian that won some sort of trophy in high school.  Let it go Carol.  The jacket should be buried with the time capsule you pricks buried in grade 10.
• Pajama pants outside of the home - how many times have you wandered into the grocery store or Home Depot and found some guy with asianesque bead head and pajama pants searching for wood?
• Headbands, wristband or leg warmers - "Flash dance".  Does anything more need to be said?  I didn't think so:

• Capri's (and/or manpris) - I'm fairly certain these were invented when some dude from France had to clean up a flood in his basement...
• Suits that you got from your Grandpa, Dad, or Value Village - where do we start with this?  First, you smell like old mothballs.  Second, your elbows look like they are patched with black leather, but they are actually not...
• Jean Shorts (Jorts) - let me take a wild guess here... you have a storage unit?
• Footwear
• Duck Boots - imagine how smart Mr. or Mrs Duck Boot thought they were when they came up with this gem of an idea.  "I've got it! Lets combine the utility of rubber boots with the style of the moccasin."
• Hiking Boots - Yes, let's all throw a kayak on our thule roof racks and head off into the wilderness, shall we...keep in mind, you never know what is waiting for you out in the woods... just ask those poor college kids who took that faitful hike to find the Blair Witch ...
• Rubber Boots - just because rubber boots now come with patterns and designs vs. the old school plain black with orange highlights, doesn't necessarily make it appropriate to wear them to the mall...
• Crocs - the word ridiculous was just graphically updated in my home version of Pictionary to be a multi-coloured rubbery shoe with holes in it known as a Croc.  Why people?
• Jesus Sandals - what the fuck are they called?  Birkenstock's?  Don't do it.  Back away from the leather sandal.  We all know how that ended up the last time...
• The sock/sandal combo - I supposed if you are planning on doing some heavy sweating in your sandals, the argument could be made...
• Sport Sandals - Hello Jim, lets go play squash in our sandals...
• Jackets
• Jean Jacket - don't mind me ladies, I'll just be pairing up these sweet $200 blue jeans with this legendary combo - the denim tuxedo...
• Leather Jacket - did you park your motorcycle around back?
• Windbreaker - the name itself is a dead giveaway for this...stupid!  Raise your hand if you've ever felt warm on a windy day in one of these fucking things...?
• Novelty Belt Buckles - did you stop into South of the Border on your way to Orlando?  Pay for something legitimate.
• Lulu Lemon Pants - there are very clearly two schools of thought here.  School #1 says this - woooooo!!!  This school believes that every woman look amazing in these pants.  School #2 says this - dear god no!!!!.  This school has seen the "moose knuckle".
• Short Sleeved Dress Shirts - did you just get a job as a sales rep for WKRP in Cincinnati?  Please give my regards to Herb Tarlek, Les Nesmond, or Dr. Johnny Fever...

• Anything that can be described with the word "turtleneck" - I'll take this as a perfect opportunity to make fun of Tomas "mock turtleneck" Plekanec of the Montreal Canadiens (an NHL team for my readers in Ottawa who may not be aware of such a league).

• Clothing that features an animal, especially a wolf - although I may also be intrigued by "wolves", having them prominently displayed on the sweatshirt you secured from Zellers does not send the message you may be looking for (i.e. I'm cool, I have a job, I respect life).
• Overalls - Is that you Hacksaw Jim Duggan?   Lets get some barbecue!  You are the man... USA!  USA!  USA!  Heyyyyooooooooo!!!!!!

So, there you have it.  This list could really go on forever with things like tear away pants, shoulder pads, acid wash jeans, or granny panties.  If you care about having sex in the next decade, review your own wardrobe immediately and discard anything that could remotely be connected with this list.

Finally, and completely off topic (or is it?), we move on to Lionel Ritchie.  A man that I have been forced to listen to for over 34 years.  Of course when I go back 34 years (the fall of '76), I'm really speaking of my early days as a sperm when my parents would fornicate to the sweet soothing sounds of "Hello" by the one and only L-Ritch.  Strangely, a friend reminded me of this a few weeks ago with a forward including the following image... zoom in and suck it back...