Business Speak @ The Office

For those of you who have jobs that don't actually depress the fuck out of you, this is probably not the post for you (although you may learn something).  On the other hand, for all of us brainwashed "cattle" who continue to work in an office environment, I believe this will make total sense.  What is it you ask?  Well, it is of course the whole concept of "business speak".  Business speak is quite simply the language that one is conditioned to use in an office/business setting.  Just like when you are born and you are taught to speak a specific language (or several if you are not just a dumb North American), you begin your immersion in business speak from day 1 on the job.  In many cases, you don't even know you are being conditioned to change the way you speak or the words you would normally use in specific situations.  However, once it takes hold the language will bleed into every interaction you have with another human being.

Unfortunately, for those of us who may be jaded or cynical, the discovery of this reality can really alter your perception of every single interaction you have with your co-workers on a day to day basis.  You begin to question very seriously the people you once called friends.  Are these people seriously speaking like this?  Did they always or is this new?

In my case, I have now been forced to find my own "happy place" prior to busting through the office doors with a stale coffee and a semi comb-over every morning.  I am of course not that creative, so I just borrowed the most popular "happy place" I know from the genius mind of Happy Gilmore.  With the exception of the chick from Modern Family, I have simply modified the characters by replacing the grandmother playing the slots with Betty White, and the midget on the unicycle with Gary Coleman (too soon?).

Thankfully for me, the happy place technique has helped me to get through the day to day grind of dealing with people whose insecurities with their own intelligence or capabilities forces them to employ business speak to validate their existence or position.

With that, here we go with some of the best words or phrases from the world of business speak:

• "In my view" - like the old classic "My Girl" by Van Morrison, how fucking arrogant do you have to be to use this phrase?  Some people like to switch this up in the form of a name drop to win an argument, like "In Joe's (ex. the CEO) view, a price increase is the only logical move".
• "Thinking outside the box" - one of the most over-used phrases in any business setting.  Dear everyone, I need you to think outside of the box on this one.  We need some fresh new ideas that aren't "in the box".  Break down the barriers people.  Find me some ideas for the love of god.
• "At the end of the day" - thank you for delivering your infinite wisdom to us lowly employees with this catch phrase... yes Uncle Rufus, the cat fish are huge.
• "It is what it is" - at the risk of stating the obvious... brutal...
• "Deep Dive" - most often used when there is a problem that needs some investigation, like "let's do a deep dive on our targeting problem...".  Sure thing Scuba Steve, let me just get my mask and snorkel and I'll see you at the pier.
• "Circle the wagons" - Usually used in reference to an inter-departmental defense strategy to protect the group from an imminent attack.  Quick everyone, Charlie Sheen is coming... run....!!!
• "Optics, Optically, etc" - this one is a beauty, usually referenced when you are being told why your idea would not be supported internally.  Bob, we really appreciate the 100 hours you put in every week (despite your $40K salary), but optically we just can't pay you a bonus this year... I'm sure you understand...
• "Ping" - For those of you who just can't stomach saying "email", you may switch over to "ping".  Hey Carl, ping me on my bberry once you get that activity report all sorted out... fuck off.
• "The 25,000 foot view" - much like thinking outside the box, this phrase is supposed to help us consider a problem/issue from a high level.  So, if we are having high level thoughts while we are banging someone does that get us into the mile high club?  Just asking...
• "Let's take this offline" - are we all connected to some unknown internet portal that I'm unaware of?  This is used to diffuse any discussion in a group meeting setting that one person may be uncomfortable with OR others may be irritated by.
• "Lets noodle this a little" - I'm noodling this now and the results are in... I hate anyone who uses this phrase...
• "Reinvent the wheel" - everyone has heard this, office or no office.  I understand the meaning and agree with the premise, but why do so many people feel it necessary to say this?  Can't we change it up?  Does it make you dumb to say "if it ain't broke don't fix it"?  
• "Get on the same page" - sure, let's do that.  Let's also sing from the same song sheet...
• "Read the tea leaves" - Why not just say "let's look into our crystal ball"?  I'm reading the tea leaves now and the future of anyone using this phrase is not what doctors would call pretty...
• "On my radar" - Geez boss, thanks for keeping this product concept on your radar.  I really wasn't aware you had such advanced technology in your office, but I'll never underestimate you again. 
• "Press the flesh" - Maybe its because I'm a relative germaphobe, but I find this disgusting.  This is used to encourage sales people to get out of the office and get face to face with customers or prospects.  Shake hands, kiss babies, press flesh... bring hand sanitizer.
• "Game changer" - back to the brainstorm of ideas again.  Those "out of the box" ideas from before were OK, but what we really need now is a game changer.  An idea that will fundamentally shift the direction of this organization, like green ketchup or clear Pepsi.  Get it kids?  I didn't think so.
• "Don't tell me my socks don't match if my hair is on fire" - Depending on how it is applied, I actually encourage more people to use this because it makes me laugh every time...

This is just really the "tip of the iceberg", but I think you probably get it by now.  Is any of this really any worse than the new generation throwing around terms like "epic, pure, OMG, LOL, random, ballin', uber, etc"?  Who the fuck knows anymore... Is it any wonder why people go postal?