Foods That You Should Never Eat In Public

I'm a slob.  There, I said it.  Truth be told, I throw at least one article of clothing out per week.  I used to blame this on our live-in nanny, thinking she was somehow secretly plotting against me and my wardrobe (you can't really blame me... after-all, she did rip the shit out of the upholstery in my car after an ill-fated attempt to vacuum the interior with the hoover we use on our carpets... let's just say she is not the next Doogie Howser...).

What the hell, for those of you who don't remember, here is our old pal Doogie and his lovable friend Vinny (you know, the one who was apparently afraid of using the door and preferred Doogie's window)...

Anyway, after the deportation papers went through and I was forced to start doing my own laundry, I realized that I have a problem - I spill.  If I were a more intelligent and/or confident man, I'd just bring a bib with me - everywhere.  Now I realize you can pick-up a bottle of Stain Away at any local grocery store, but that seems hard.  It is much easier and more fun to just toss out your defaced clothing.  

Anyway, being the spill expert that I am, I have assembled a list of "foods that you should never eat in public".  This is 50% about helping you to decrease your clothing budget and 50% advice on not looking like an ass. 

• Bone-In Meat(s) - a major heat score in the "spill" and "you look like an ass" categories.  I'll use baby back ribs and chicken wings as my two favorite examples to describe this one.  First, let me say this - both are delicious and you should eat a lot of them.  Just do it with people you know and trust. You see, there are two fundamental issues - 1) You are dealing with a plethora of sauce.  Huge chance that somehow sauce will ooze off the bone and drop into your pants, shirt, or bib.  2) You are eating meat off a bone in public and look more like Brendan Fraser from Encino Man (worst caveman film ever) than a modern day human being.  Consider the following image... take it in... please remember this the next time you order wings in public...

• Triple Decker Sandwiches - it seems almost sacrilegious to say anything bad about a triple decker sandwich.  The club sandwich has, and continues to be, my go to sandwich in times of need and depression.  The rare combination of freshly sliced turkey, bacon, and mayo is to die for.  Lettuce, tomato and cheese are optional additions... However, despite all the positives... evil lurks.  Like the apple in the garden of Eden, the club sandwich will screw you over when you least expect it or need it.  Inevitably one of the 4 corners will fall apart as you are taking a bite.  Food will fly, people will laugh, and you will be down a button up shirt...
• Shell Fish - there is oil and water and then there is me and shell fish.  We don't mix whatsoever.  1) Because I find the process of ripping apart a formerly living creature at a table with other humans performing the same act to be gross.  2) The smell... like the orderly room at an old folks home.  3) The worst part... the juice/spray.  Have you ever had a lobster dinner (home or Red Lobster) with family or friends that involves plastic table cloths and lobster bibs.  You end up looking like Dexter preparing his kill room.   All that is missing is the safety goggles.  Have some respect for yourself and the good creatures of the sea... put the bibs away and shut it down. 
• Pasta - I love pasta, but understand my own limitations.  I recommend you follow my lead with the same general rules here:
• Order Penne or Rigatoni or stuffed pastas - all can be eaten comfortably with a fork, thereby limiting your issues. Watch for the sauce drip from the interior of the noodle and limit the cheese.  Like a true asshole, melted cheese has a funny way of stretching from dish to mouth.
• Avoid "long noodles" - spaghetti, fettuccine, etc.  Delicious when eating at home or with close friends, but a disaster waiting to happen at a restaurant.  Don't even try to be the d-bag twirling noodles in a spoon.  I think that guy/girl is a jerk.
• Carved Sandwiches - much like the triple decker, we are dealing with something uniquely delicious here.  Roast Beef, Turkey, Pulled Pork (why does that make me laugh)... you name it.  The key here is to ensure you get thinly sliced meat.  Most often, you'll be served thicker slices under the auspice that it is "what the customer wants" (much like when the jackass at the sub shop loads your bread with enough mayo or mustard to "sink a ship").  Don't try to bullshit a bullshitter!  With a thicker slice you end up gnawing away at it and looking like a coyote with a freshly mangled deer or one of those psycho zombie pricks from 28 Days Later...
• Soup - a slurp-fest for many.  If you see a restaurant that only serves soup, run.  It is going to get ugly in there.  Having said all of that, if you are going to order it, observe proper etiquette:
• The spoon should glide towards the front of the bowl - don't scoop
• Slurping is for babies, don't do it.  It literally turns my stomach.
• Anything with Chop Sticks - ok, guilty as charged.  I have actually never even tried eating with chop sticks.  I don't understand why I should.  It is stupid and you look like you are "trying to hard" when you do it.  Plus, you leave yourself open for the dropped ball... that is, the dropped pineapple chicken ball that lands squarely in the crotch of your new cargos... this whole topic reminds me of a Seinfeld beauty...

I could continue here with a much longer list of items, like ice cream cones, street meat, anything with meatballs, etc, but I'm sure you get the picture by now.  The next time you are at a restaurant, think through all the angles before you order.  If you feel you can perfectly manage the meal, go for it and enjoy!  Happy birthday Mom...