- Email Sign Offs - Colour me old, but I remember a time when people closed out an email with something that didn't sound horribly gay (like the phrase "colour me old"). Normal/polite email sign-offs like "Thanks", "Regards", "Take Care" were all commonplace. Unfortunately, some vegan dickhead got a hold of this and messed it all up for the rest of us... Now, we are dealing with a new generation of awful, such as:
- "Ciao" - would you all just fuck off with this? What are we eating a baguette with some Nutella spread during siesta in some Italian village? Please people. It is neither cool or interesting and it makes you look like you probably are - stupid.
- "Cheers" - thanks "Normy"... let's "bump glasses". Go "f" yourself.
- The "e-signature" - are people trying to impress us with their "autograph"? Wow... you can write your name in perfect cursive ... good for you Paolo!
- All-Terrain Vehicles OR Seadoos - Fortunately for me, my parents decided to raise me in a small town where your access to skidoos, seadoos, or "four wheelers" defined your level of coolness. Frankly, this was a good thing as it afforded me the opportunity to immerse myself in the whole culture around recreational motor sports. At a basic level, the culture is really quite simple - you burn gas, drink Coors Light, swear, go fast, piss other people off (ex. by following their boat and jumping the wake with your seadoo), and of course breaking other people's stuff. Digging deeper, you'll hear the stories of the time Uncle so and so took Aunt so and so out to the bush to make sex... or the weekend rides to the hunting camp where sliding naked on a wet tarp is considered "top shelf", or the time they took their "sled" onto a semi-frozen lake and subsequently plunged into the icy waters ... this list goes on. All that shit makes you cool, allegedly. If you want to up the ante on your coolness, you will tow around your sled, seadoo, or 4-wheeler no matter where you are going (like the grocery store or the Chinese food restaurant). You will insist that your recreational vehicle features fluorescent colours and/or purple. You will wax it once per week and keep it in mint condition, but you will also live in a trailer and never clean it. I could continue here, but I'll close this one out with a great representation of this culture from a piece of genius known only as Eastbound & Down:
- The "Green Lawn" Obsession - picture this ... you are driving down a street in the suburbs, any street, and your eyes take you to that jerk-off who is literally picking dandelions one by one from his/her yard. Yes, this is the same prick who has the plumber bum. Oh no Franky, not a weed! Whatever will you do. How will people ever be "green with envy" if you don't have a lush lawn? This is best described here...
- Horses - Oh the horse world.... whatever will we do with you. My lifelong hatred of the horse world started at a very young age, when my parents would force me into attending multiple horse shows for no particular reason. Although never explicitly conveyed to me, the reason seemed to be either for their own social interactions with other like creatures, for my sisters, OR sometimes it was to interact with my "I'm the bad witch from the Wizard of Oz" grandmother who considered herself to be a fine evaluator of horse talent (others simply thought she was a bitch). Regardless, here I sit now 20 odd years later and I still see the same things going on - people investing $50K or more to purchase a horse (pet), $500-$1K per month horse lodging bills, people brushing horses like they are six year olds with a new Barbie, women with absurd hats and Northern Reflections clothes prancing around "the shows", men pretending to be gay to score chicks (ok, good move), etc. Why do people still compete once it has been determined that they are NOT going any further in this sport? You don't see 40 year olds playing Junior Hockey do you? I'm ok with you riding recreationally and having fun, but pull back on the reigns and realize that it is over. Ribbons, albeit colourful, are not cool... sorry sister.
- Ultimate Frisbee - if you engage in any indoor or outdoor recreational sport, you have probably come across that guy or girl that actually takes this shit seriously. Typically, their gym bag will consist of their own Frisbee, a head band and a matching set of wrist bands, multiple sweat resistant shirts (maybe, just maybe some bicycle shorts), and some New Balance running shoes. Frankly, I don't even understand this sport, but I have had the chance to watch these no talent assholes play it. The question that comes to mind for me is, why? Why would anyone with self-respect engage in something so ridiculous (did I just answer my own question). If presented with the option of dying from swine flu OR playing Ultimate, the choice would be simple - SWINER. Cremate this mothafucka please...
That was longer than anticipated... sometimes you just can't predict how much text will be required to describe hatred. Coming up next ... people that write descriptions of menu items, people that ask "how are you", but never listen for the answer, bringing your lunch to work, facebook/twitter status updates, and the emerging IPAD porn industry....
