Most of the time, neighbors are tolerable and in some cases required (like when you build your kids play structure). However, there are also those times when retreating to that wood shack in the forest doesn't seem like such as bad idea (like when the neighbour involved in a pyramid scheme reels you in for the wine and cheese presentation in their living room). Generally, neighbors will fall into one, or several of the categories outlined below:
- The "Do-Gooder" - these people took over from the "welcome wagon". They'll be there the day you move in with a Lasagna or Shepherd's Pie and full details on all the people in your neighbourhood. Periodically, they'll make what seems like "nice gestures"... don't worry about having to pay them back - they are doing it to show everyone else how great they are. Crisis specialists...
- The Borrower - you know this one, a classic neighbor move. These people seemingly have NOTHING in their home. They borrow the most routine of items, like your toaster or cutlery. Sure Carl, here are all my spoons ... would you like to sleep in my bed tonight as well?
- The Profiteer - this guy positions everything he does as a "favor", but he is really angling towards a sale. He'll offer his help on your backyard landscaping project, your taxes or your snow removal, and then give you a quote on what it is going to cost you. He is also the same pyramid scheme jack-knob referred to above. Do your business elsewhere asshole.
- The Social Convener - these are the people who derive their self worth from hosting exclusive neighborhood parties. These parties are always BYOB and pot luck, because although they like being "popular", they area also cheap. Watch for the following:
- Summer BBQ
- Christmas/Holiday Party (we don't want to offend anyone now do we...)
- Halloween Fiestas - they will have the best decorated house on the block. Both parents will dress-up and they'll turn their home into a make-shift haunted house
- The Leach - these people seemingly have you on a radar somewhere. No matter what time or day of the week, they know exactly when you'll be arriving home. There doesn't seem to be any reason for them to harass you, other than some fairly significant mental problems.
- The Suspected Sex Offender - there is no question that this guy is likely an older male. He moved to the "burbs" to get away from his checkered past. If you have kids, he instantly creeps you out. Trust your gut on this one - don't let him near your home. He likely looks much like Herbert Garrison from South Park before he became a she known as Janet Garrison.
- The Block Parents - not only do these people claim to represent the entire neighborhood, they patrol it. Usually they'll team up with some other "do-gooders" and split the night shifts. They look down on most other parents, especially if you don't have a chariot stroller and your children drop the occasional f-bomb.
- The Imports - language and/or severe cultural differences will prevent you, and likely several others, from ever forming a real bond. You'll pretend to "like them" with a half-assed 'hello' when you pass by them in the park or on a street walk. Note - when imports start outnumbering you, time to get out.
- The Token Same Sex Couple(s) - if you are really lucky, you'll get a double shot of gay. That is, a lesbian couple and a male gay couple (what is the name for that anyway?). Even better if they have been married already. These couples need to be described separately:
- The Lesbian Couple - they likely drive a Yukon or some larger SUV. They need room to carry the hockey equipment after-all and the big Husky dog who enjoys a good serving of peanut butter every now and again. Hockey in the winter, softball and golf in the summer. One or both has hips that would make J-Lo jealous. They likely work in some government or admin job, but could also be lawyers. Much like Marge Simpson's sisters, these ladies will scare your children ... and dog.
- The Gay Dudes - these guys are probably both lawyers or accountants. Given their lack of expenses (kids or women with expensive tastes), they'll likely have nice vehicles in the driveway - call it a Volvo station wagon for the "catcher" in the relationship and a BMW 5 series for the "pitcher". These dudes are probably the nicest people on your street - be sure to say hi, even if it's just for the free tax advice.
- The Empty Nester - the kids are gone and the pets are in. They'll be out on the street with their animals at the oddest of times. They are now both sleeping in separate bedrooms - dad with the golden retriever wondering whether or not he should do a late night drunk dial to the aforementioned gay dudes down the street, and mom still in the master bedroom, cuddled in with a fat old cat who needs to have its ass-hair clipped. No mom, that chunk of brownish smelly material clumped into "Fluffy's" fur in her back-end is not supposed to be there.
There are more categories I'm sure, like the heavy woman who runs the home daycare, the guy who allegedly has a successful home business but still drives Uncle Buck's vehicle that he inherited from his grandfather (sorry Joe), or of course, the old people. But, at some point this has to stop...
