Brown Monday is like Christmas, in that it only comes once per year and typically gets worse as the day goes on. It is a day that is dreaded by every janitor, "custodian", or house keeper. Just ask poor Jimmy here... you can bet he won't be so joyful tomorrow...
Why is Brown Monday so bad? What is it? Well, lets get back to the Super Bowl party menu for a minute to shed some light on this situation, shall we...
On special today, we have the following:
- "Chizza" - that's right, combining two of the best foods in the entire world into one scrumptrulescant meal (pizza crust topped with delicious chili and the finest cheddar cheese). If you haven't tried it, you must.
- KFC - the full feast. Largest bucket of chicken available, multiple salads including the green coleslaw (what the F is that shit anyway?), fries and a massive thing of gravy (let it go cold just for fun - it turns into a KFC version of jello)
- Tortilla chips with multiple dips (guacamole, salsa, combination of guacamole, salsa, sour cream and cheddar)
- Chicken wings - ok, maybe we have too much chicken, but if you don't put your mouth on a wing on Super Bowl sunday...forget it...join the no-fun team.
- Chips - and lots of them - doritos, salt and vinegar, and dill pickle are recommended
- Haagen Dazs ice cream bars - wow... I'm pretty sure god invented these.
- One bite brownies
- Candy - bowls of it everywhere (M & M's, skittles, etc)
- Beer - not just one brand, but beers of the world. I abhor anything in a brown bottle, so all bottles will be green or clear... not sure why really.
- And for the ladies, a vegetable tray with hummus. I won't even think of touching that on this sacred day.
Now, everyone knows that Super Bowl ranks #2 to American Thanksgiving in terms of calorie counts...
If you ask around or do a google search, you'll find several elaborate descriptions of Super Bowl gluttony. People like to talk about it and share their menu's. What they don't like to talk about is the after effect of slamming beers and eating several "rich or fatty" foods. That is where I come in...
For those health nuts OR those simply afflicted with the horrid condition of IBS (there are dozens of us out there), I found this interesting guide to avoiding Brown Monday - An IBS'ers Guide to Avoiding Brown Monday.
Being the student of life that I am, I will document all of the changes that happen to my body, starting now with pre-game snacks and my first Heineken, to the KFC and the Chizza, to the chips, brownies, and ice cream and finally with the morning coffee... hello Brown Monday ... here I come.
* Update (8:56pm) * - 21-17 for the Packers... but I'm concerned for their welfare... I have now successfully ingested 8 green bottled beers, 2 awful pieces of KFC (genius) and the disgusting green salad, 2 pieces of CHIZZA (the best version of all-time), all of the chips, haagen dazs, and a bunch of shit I don't even remember... the problems have already started... I feel "swishing" in my gut and if I close my eyes the world turns a reddish hue... I think the blast is coming... stay tuned and be advised just in case this affects you wherever you may be. Furthermore and off topic, I'll take this opportunity to suggest that Canadians cease all efforts to create anything that would normally be broadcast on CTV, CBC, Global or elsewhere. Your shit is terrible and you know it. Just stop. I'm embarrassed for you. Also, I hate poo poo humour... ok I don't... you caught me.
* Update #2 * - 28-17 Packers... they seem to have reeled it in a bit - 2 more green beers and another slice of CHIZZA... oh god... I can hear myself getting fatter. While I was typing that, Pittsburgh scored... make it 28-25 Packers after a 2 point conversion from the Raplessburgers... so, it appears the maelstrom is brewing even outside of my IBS impacted interior...
* Update #3 * (10:02pm) - 31-25 Packers - Steelers have the ball with just over a minute left.. speaking of which, it feels like Jesus has reached inside of my interior and grabbed me by the stomach and testicles. There is not going to be a positive outcome here, no matter who wins.
* Update #4 * (10:08pm) - Packers win ... my stomach loses... big time. I'm like that asshole from "Supersize Me" right now... I wish you could see it, but I'm not going to post the pic. A few more beers before I hit the hay and call this beautiful day for what it is and what is was. Final update coming in the AM, which will no doubt be the most thrilling part, at least for Jimmy the Janitor. Tomorrow is going to be just awful... not like watching my dad eat a sandwich awful, but almost.
* Final Update * (9:14am on Brown Monday) - good ol' Brown Monday came in with a bang in the wee hours...what started as a pretty healthy game of dutch oven quickly spun out of control. Based on the odd animal like sounds eminating from my abdomen, I'm going to lose some serious weight today.
Happy Brown Monday everyone! If you see a janitor, "custodian", or house keeper, give them a hug... won't you.
* Update (8:56pm) * - 21-17 for the Packers... but I'm concerned for their welfare... I have now successfully ingested 8 green bottled beers, 2 awful pieces of KFC (genius) and the disgusting green salad, 2 pieces of CHIZZA (the best version of all-time), all of the chips, haagen dazs, and a bunch of shit I don't even remember... the problems have already started... I feel "swishing" in my gut and if I close my eyes the world turns a reddish hue... I think the blast is coming... stay tuned and be advised just in case this affects you wherever you may be. Furthermore and off topic, I'll take this opportunity to suggest that Canadians cease all efforts to create anything that would normally be broadcast on CTV, CBC, Global or elsewhere. Your shit is terrible and you know it. Just stop. I'm embarrassed for you. Also, I hate poo poo humour... ok I don't... you caught me.
* Update #2 * - 28-17 Packers... they seem to have reeled it in a bit - 2 more green beers and another slice of CHIZZA... oh god... I can hear myself getting fatter. While I was typing that, Pittsburgh scored... make it 28-25 Packers after a 2 point conversion from the Raplessburgers... so, it appears the maelstrom is brewing even outside of my IBS impacted interior...
* Update #3 * (10:02pm) - 31-25 Packers - Steelers have the ball with just over a minute left.. speaking of which, it feels like Jesus has reached inside of my interior and grabbed me by the stomach and testicles. There is not going to be a positive outcome here, no matter who wins.
* Update #4 * (10:08pm) - Packers win ... my stomach loses... big time. I'm like that asshole from "Supersize Me" right now... I wish you could see it, but I'm not going to post the pic. A few more beers before I hit the hay and call this beautiful day for what it is and what is was. Final update coming in the AM, which will no doubt be the most thrilling part, at least for Jimmy the Janitor. Tomorrow is going to be just awful... not like watching my dad eat a sandwich awful, but almost.
* Final Update * (9:14am on Brown Monday) - good ol' Brown Monday came in with a bang in the wee hours...what started as a pretty healthy game of dutch oven quickly spun out of control. Based on the odd animal like sounds eminating from my abdomen, I'm going to lose some serious weight today.
Happy Brown Monday everyone! If you see a janitor, "custodian", or house keeper, give them a hug... won't you.
