My Funeral...An "Off-Broadway" Musical

Aside from my particular distaste for funeral sandwiches, there is something else that continues to bother me about the conventional and somewhat downtrodden nature of what is supposed to be a “celebration of life”.  At what point in the ceremony at the church or the post-burial veggies and dip fest do we actually celebrate the life of a loved one?  The answer is of course … never.  In fact, the only example of anything cool that I’ve ever seen was the portrayal of the great Andy Kaufman’s funeral in the movie Man on the Moon… see below:

Although I plan on living for another 90 years to capture what is likely my only shot at a World Record (note – currently held by the one and only Jeanne Calment who lived to 122 Years, 164 days), I have started to draft plans for the eventual celebration of my life (aka my funeral).   As it turns out, there aren’t many original ideas out there on how to creatively and comically shake up a tough day and make it fun, or at least funny.  I thought about a slide show, a video screening and a roast, but they didn’t feel right.  Finally it hit me… a musical depicting my life performed by family members and friends.  Death becomes an interactive experience.  Karaoke meets Broadway musical theatre.  Crazy?  Yes it is.  Potentially funny?  Yup.

I know absolutely nothing about writing a musical, but my parents did force me to listen to a shitload of Andrew Lloyd Webber when I was a kid on various car rides, so I think I have it directionally.  Still, I decided to do some research to make sure that my instincts were correct.  The following keys were revealed to me:

1. The musical must offer the audience a story – check – my life is multi-layered, much like that delicious nacho dip that you find at Costco...
2. See as many musicals as possible – this I will not do.  I actually detest musicals and once fell asleep during the Phantom of the Opera.
3. Open with a “kick-ass” song – got that covered… it shall be an homage to by DB (dead body)… see below for more on this topic

So, now that I understand the keys to a good musical and have at least listened to the same Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest hits CD 164 times, I think I’m ready to compose… The big question at this point is – do I write my own songs OR go Weird Al style and just switch up the lyrics of existing popular tunes?  Should I buy them lessons a la Adam Sandler/Jack Nicholson from Anger Management?

Nahhhh…since I’ll be forcing people to sing/perform from the great beyond, I think it is only fair to go with something they’ll be more familiar/comfortable with, so here it goes… the opening scene:

• Scene #1 – The Conductor – a large video screen shall display me, in a video that I still need to record, performing as a conductor… this shall run for the duration of the funeral.  See below for an example.

• Scene #2 – The Casket Entrance – the Foreigner song “Cold as Ice” will blast through the auditorium – is there a “gayer” song?  This shall be performed by my parents’ friend known as “The Snake”.  I would tell you his name, but once again, my mother and her legal team have threatened lawsuit.  Anyway, he is a karaoke master and will get things off on the right food.  The words from the original track shall remain unchanged, for safety sake. In an ironic twist, the casket shall be wheeled into a fiery oven, where I shall be cremated.

• Scene #3 – Flashback – with the casket now in place, a video montage will be shown depicting the low lights and highlights of my 123 years.  Accompanying the video will be the Blue Oyster Cult song “Don't Fear the Reaper", for obvious reasons.  A homeless man will play a cowbell.

• Scene #4 – The Tears – with the lengthy video review now in place, it is time to reflect on a life that was with tears (maybe).  To help escalate the matter and ensure that there is not a dry eye in the house, my good friend H will sing Don’t Cry For Me (an A-Web classic from Evita).  It should be known, that he is perhaps the most monotone son of a bitch that ever lived.

• Scene #5 - The Bridge - as you must already know, the bridge is the section near the end of the song that takes the melody and lyric in a new direction.  You must add some kind of twist that transforms the song into something more meaningful.  Applied to the musical, this can only mean "Music Of The Night" as sung by Will Ferrell below.  In this case, the lyrics will be completely re-written and my parents or what is left of them will play a starring role.  Note - both of them shall be forced to wear the Phantom mask, despite any relevance to the origins of the song.

• Scene #6 – Final Scene/Cremation – at this point, my body is freshly cooked and more or less ash.  Like the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so to do I become dust right in front of my family and friends.  With this transition now in place, my sister will arise from the crowd for her greatest performance yet - a rendition of “Wake Me Up” by Wham (definitely a step up from her part in the movie Loser).  Side note - after watching this video, who could have ever doubted George Michael's sexual preference... come on people!

• Scene # 7 - The Exit - as the "customers" leave the funeral, all full up on funeral sandwiches, booze, and whatnot, the following youtube video will appear on the video screen and through the audio system... "Oh Danny Boy" by the Muppets

OK, so maybe my first instinct was correct… this may not be the best idea.