Think about your own parents for a second. How many times over the course of your childhood did you hear them say that they NEVER want to be like their mother or their father...blah...blah...blah (ex. I will never refer to "left-overs" as a feast... or I'll never be upset if the music is too loud). I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that, depending on how old you (and by extension your parents are), they are likely either partly or fully on their way to becoming their parents (aka your grandparents).
I've spent the last three weeks researching this topic, and have found a number of distinct "signs that your parents are in fact morphing into your grandparents". Here are a few that have jumped off the page for me, in terms of not being overly predictable and/or routine old people references:
- The Dog Threesome - this only applies if the children have actually moved out of the house, as the dog becomes the replacement for a departed family. The mother needs to care for something (now that the kids don't give a fuck anymore) and the dog fits the bill. Similarly, the father needs to feel positive reinforcement from the dog, as it looks up at him in great awe of his obvious physical talents. Sooner or later, this same dog will join the happy couple in the family bed, taking up the interior of the spoon position with mom or dad (usually swapping back and forth all night long).
- A Sudden AND/OR Revitalized Commitment To The Lord - I suppose if you can hear the reaper knocking, it may only be natural to explore what all this religious bs is about...just in case. You can't blame them for it, but they hated it when their parents hit this stage. When you receive a card or email from one of your parents quoting the bible or they hang a ten commandments sign in their bathroom (only readable if shitting on the toilet), you know they have focused at least some of their energy on the good lord.
- Fad Diets - the metabolism has come to a screeching halt and the pounds are being added to their frame like Jared from Subway when he stopped eating subs for every meal. They'll try every fad diet known to man to try and prevent the inevitable from occurring (getting fat). Atkins, The Zone, South Beach, Low Fat, Low Carb, Detox...JFK blown away what else do I have to say...we didn't start the fire...
- Gardening & The Grass - look out nurseries and landscaping supply stores, here come my parents! Give me some shrubs, some annuals, a load of mulch, some flagstone, a statue of St. Francis (the patron saint of animals and the environment), some more plants, and finally a huge tub of chemicals to kill those weeds in my lawn. With no sex drive and little else to fill their minds and time, gardening becomes their brand new bitch.
- Get Y'er Hats Here - remember how your grandparents seemed to obsessively wear hats when you were a kid? Well, now your parents are doing it. Just like their mom and dad, they are opting for head dress that was fashionable in "their day" vs. "today". Watch for mother to invest in some sort of "celebration of the life of Princess Diana hat", while dad will go with something fit for Crocodile Dundee.
- Nostalgia...OR Is It Early-Onset Alzheimer's - this stage is typically defined by a romancing of all things found in the past, regardless of whether or not they were actually good at the time. The present becomes irrelevant and ignored. Some examples include:
- Music - a longing for Elvis Presley, Buddy Holly, The Beach Boys, or Lionel Ritchie
- TV/Movies - sudden interest in bringing out the old VCR and watching tapes of the Andy Griffith Show, The Honeymooners, or the movie On Golden Pond
- Photo Albums and Home Movies - frequent travels back in time through a collage of images and sounds (real or perceived).
- It should be noted here that if this stage is accompanied by bouts of confusion and bed wetting, you may want to take your mom and/or dad to see a doctor.
- The Pre-Death Final Will & Testament Draft - this is where the rubber really hits the road and you find out where you rank in the hearts of your parents vs your siblings (assuming you have them). If this hasn't happened to you yet, it will. One day you'll receive a call from your parents asking for you to come over for a family meeting. The family meeting, of course, is nothing more than a free yard sale of the crap your parents have collected over the years. Rather than a free for all, the structure of the NHL entry draft is applied to ensure fair distribution of the assets (or junk). The only catch here is you don't actually get any of the items you draft, until your parents "pass-on". A typical draft involving a family of 5 (3 kids) will see the the following rankings:
- First Pick - typically given to the youngest child. The truth is, they do love the youngest child more than the others. It was their last chance to play mommy and daddy, and they're hanging on to it come hell or high water. This favouritism is disguised as "helping out the youngest", but that disguise tends to wear thin when the youngest passes the age of majority.
- Second Pick - typically given to the oldest child. The rationale here - they were here first, but have had more time to build up assets.
- Third Pick - the middle child. Now, what the fuck is their name anyway? Oh the poor, poor middle child. Always forgotten, or so they tell their psychiatrist every week. I suppose getting last pick in the draft will help to solidify this feeling for the remainder of their days. If any of the three kids has a substance abuse problem, this is probably the one.
Although completely off topic, I imagine the pre-death draft to go something like what is depicted in the clip below from the Chapelle Show - The Race Draft:
There are many other signs that we could discuss here, like the propensity we all have to become alcoholics as we get closer to seniority, but I think I'll call it a day. Find the humour in watching your parents cross-over into becoming their parents - it is only a matter of time before the same thing happens to you...
#turningintoyourparentsain'tsobad
