The Dine & Shit

You should be able to tell by my odd sense of humor OR by the multiple references made throughout this blog, but I'll say it anyway - I am a big fan of the show Curb Your Enthusiasm.  Now, I understand that this show isn’t on the top of everyone’s “must watch” list, but that is really more a reflection of general intelligence issues across North American society (i.e. there are a lot of stupid people that need to be spoon fed jokes, like they did on the show Friends, vs. having to think/understand before they laugh).  Anyway, one thing I’ve always enjoyed about Curb is Larry David’s ability to connect two “things” or “actions” into one succinct phrase. 

For example, the Stop and Chat:

Or how about the Chat and Cut:

Anyway, the most recent episode (featuring the chat and cut) reminded me of something disgusting that I first discovered when I was a bus boy in a family restaurant at the age of 14 – The Dine and Shit (i.e. going out for a meal and taking a deuce in the restaurant/eatery bathroom).  You see, aside from my normal duties of clearing and wiping tables, polishing cutlery, or spilling water on people, I was also forced to check the bathrooms periodically to make sure all was well.  Unfortunately in many cases, all was not well.  In fact, all was very fucking wrong, especially during the Sunday brunch shift where I first encountered the dreaded dine and shit.

Who else feels sorry for poor Dennis?...

The Sunday brunch crowd at this restaurant was much like any Sunday brunch crowd you’ll find anywhere – church going families, church going old people, and those people with severe hangovers.  Our Sunday brunch crowd was nicely spiced up with the odd trucker here and there AND a couple of mentally challenged dudes from the group home up the road (Scotty 4 thumbs and Roger).  Now, mix together a crowd of potential restaurant shitters on the best of days (kids, old people, truckers, and the mentally challenged) with a jambalaya of coffee, bacon, eggs, lasagna, more coffee, French toast, fried chicken, baked beans, orange juice to cleanse the pallet, more coffee, lasagna again, some salad, and sure enough more coffee – the results can be disastrous.  So disastrous in fact, that I really don’t feel comfortable describing many of the “incidents” that occurred in both the men’s and women’s “shitters” in my 6 years as a bus boy (yes, I was too useless to get promoted to waiter status).  Let’s just say I think some assholes have more power than a pressure washer and I'm jealous of the people who got to clean up Hiroshima.

Anyway, to the point at hand, in what universe is it OK to shit where you dine?  Those with IBS or severe abdominal cramping get a free pass (you can spot them by their generally pale skin), but for those who are actually dropping fully formed logs, I take issue.  I know from experience that a regular human can retain a fully formed log for up to 3 days under the right circumstances, so don't push me on this issue (see future blog about being told to shit in a dug-out hole at Cub Scouts camp in the late 80's). 

Any facility that exists only to prepare food to sell to the masses should be exempt from public shitting, with the exception of the circumstances noted above.  The reasons should be blatantly obvious, but I’ll outline them anyway:

1.   That Age Old Theory – just like you don’t fuck where you work, you don’t shit where you eat.  Get it.

2.   The Dirty Drift – these bathrooms are not designed to encapsulate the stench (like the industrial office bathrooms that know they are going to get beaten down by shitters every day).  Inevitably, your business will drift towards another table thereby ruining their meal/experience.  Save your green apple splatter for home.  It is easier to execute on your home turf anyway.

3.   Pink Eye – you have a 150% greater chance of getting pink eye if you crap at a restaurant.  This sounds made up, but the janitor at work seriously told me this, so alas it must be true.

4.   Protecting Your Restaurant Options – once you shit at a restaurant once, you should never return to it no matter how good the actual meal was.  I can tell you from experience, the restaurant staff will brand you as a shitter from that day forward.  Your service (and food quality) will deteriorate drastically upon any future visit.  It is hard enough to find a decent meal these days, don’t ruin it with a crap that can wait until you get home.

So, let’s all work together to create a world where we are free from the oppression of those that would dare to shit where we all dine.  I have a dream…