Anyway, much like Thomas Edison when he invented the light bulb, something weird happened to me a few months ago. No, I wasn't running around naked in a corn field somewhere in the southern United States...and no, I wasn't suddenly abducted by aliens and renamed Guardian. The truth is that I went to Mexico for fun and skanky whore sex and came home with a weight loss secret that would make the founder of Weight Watchers jealous. What is it? I'm still not sure...frankly, I'm not even sure if there is name for it, unless "reverse diarrhea" is already trademarked.
Before you report me to the local authorities, this is not sexually transmitted. It is much worse. I believe that I contracted whatever this is from the resort buffet, and not the 250 pounder that I shamefully woke up beside a few weeks back. What are the symptoms you might ask? Well, the symptoms can be summed up in 3 words: blood, pain, general dizziness. Fuck me, I'm starting to sound like some asshole from a Preparation H commercial except I haven't said "itching" yet?
Anyway, without getting too specific, this "illness" has lead me to a profound discovery, which will be coming to a novelty store near you in the very near future. That discovery is known only as "The Ass Tampon". The Ass Tampon is as basic as it sounds. It is a genetically altered vaginal tampon used to stop massive bleeding or hemorrhaging from the anal cavity. How disgusting you might say???...well just watch this infomercial that I've recently completed with a few of my 12 year old friends. It will surely change your mind...
Some may think that this is just a novelty market, but it isn't. I've actually conducted extensive research into the utility of this product and have found that there are three key money making opportunities here: 1) As a gift, making fun of friends with fissures, hemorrhoids, or general ass issues, 2) Ass therapy for people that like ass sex, 3) Bridging the gap for people that actually have period like bleeding when they crap. I'm already in several pharmacies across North America and sales are really taking off.
Anyway, I'm quite excited by the prospect of great riches from this new invention and I invite you to share in my happiness. I'll be launching some preferred share options in the Ass Tampon Corporation in the next few weeks, so talk to your broker now and get your house in order.
