Classifying the Human Parent

Fortunately for me, I've been blessed with two fucking beautiful and healthy kids (insert a knock on wood here).  As much as sometimes being a dad can be a royal pain in the ass and occasionally the scrotum, I'm pretty lucky to have experienced this part of life.  There are just so many amazing and cool things that happen as a parent that you could never really expect or anticipate, for instance:  getting pissed on when changing a diaper, tasting someone else's vomit, or determining that the horrible smell in the kitchen was in fact caused by a shit that your kid took in the garbage, and uh...oh ya, watching them take their first steps or score a hat trick in hockey.

I could go on and on with positives about being a Dad...but there is one major fucking negative - DEALING WTH OTHER PARENTS.  You see, there seems to be some sort of metamorphosis that occurs with the human parent upon the birth of their first child.  What once may have been a regular/semi-cool individual turns into a complete and utter waste of skin jackass.  Instead of thinking about drinking beer and getting pussy, their mind turns to strollers, the "kids schedule", and baby bottles.  Their comedic material turns from the dirty trucker variety to kid friendly jokes without "swear words".  They become fascinated with yogurt and things that are gluten free.  Its fucking depressing really and I'm only now describing the honeymoon phase that occurs before you realize that your kids are actually fucking assholes (aren't we all) that are born only to cause you undue stress and several thousands of dollars spent on psychotherapy.

The point is, kids fucking change people.  Once you have them, you become something or someone else.  You must assimilate into one of the common parenting groups or classes, or find yourself on the fringes like that bitch Sophie with the 6 toes.

Let's visit this Louis CK video clip on parenting before we move further, shall we:

This all brings me to publishing what is certain to become the new classification system for labelling the human parent.  Surely, some more legitimate/scholarly institution will contact me for the rights to this shit...  Here we go with the various types of human parents:

• The Coach - this is the guy, or soccer/rowing lesbian mother that takes on the role of being the coach of everything. I think they wear a whistle around their neck in the shower for Christ's sakes.  Their kid will feel so much pressure when it comes to performing in sports that they'll quit playing before realizing how good they could actually be.  You'll know good old "coach dad/mom" by their propensity to wear team colours or branded clothing...as illustrated below:

• The Teacher/Nerd - this parent, whether they are a teacher by trade or not, insists upon frequent educational opportunities for their children.  Weekend visits to the museums, studying bugs in the grass, building paper mache volcanoes...you name it.  They'll constantly remind you of what you are doing wrong with your kids and laugh at you behind your back.  Little do they know that you are going to get the last laugh when you kid kicks the shit out of their kid in middle school (haha mothafucka).  These people are raising a new generation of nerd.

• The Serial Killer - You'll know this parent exists in your neighbourhood when you witness any of the following (if you do, please call your local block parent):
• Their children never make eye contact
• All the blinds in their house are drawn
• They have a basement that is off-limits to guests or children
• They carry dark coloured bags with what appears to be human remains out of their house late a night when they think you aren't looking at them through your telescope...

• The Addict - the addict parent is probably the calmest of all...reason being, they are either drunk or highly medicated.  If you want to sniff out an addict parent, watch for frequent visits to the beer/liquor store and/or periodic visits from asian guys with pimped out Honda Civics.  The child of the addict is destined to be your kids future drug dealer, like this fucking Indonesian kid right here...

• The Do It Yourselfer - I hate this fucking guy, mostly cause I'm jealous I can't do anything myself.  I can't even build IKEA furniture without punching a hole in the wall.  The do it yourself parent is obsessed with The Learning Chanel and trips to Home Depot, Lowes, or Rona (if he is Canadian).  He is prone to jerking off with a tool belt still attached to his cock and balls, just in case he need and Allen Key to finish things up.  Anyway, watch for any of the following actions...
• Paves his own driveway
• Trims his grass with scissors so it looks cleaner
• Installs his own granite countertops
• Re-shingles his roof while singing show tunes from Annie (ok, this is really mean and I'm sorry...BUT...he posted it).

• The Cool Guy/Girl - this parent is still stuck in their University/College persona.  If they are a dude, they are likely 40 plus, still have spiky hair, wax their car in their driveway with no shirt on, and smoke weed with their kids.  You'll probably actually like the kids of this parent, as they'll swear, drink, and probably be closer to an adult in terms of maturity than a child.  Worst case, they'll repeat the shit that the parent says around the house, like the girl in the video below.  As your child enters his/her teen years, you can expect that most of the parties will occur at the home of this parent.  

• The Block Parent - this parent should just sleep in their reflection vest.  They are constantly on the lookout for danger and have taken the responsibility to alert you of said dangers (especially if you break the 50km/hr barrier while driving).  You can spot them late a night walking around the neighbourhood with a flash light and some measuring tape.  They probably routinely stop by your home with some rogue request for money to raise funds for some pathetic charitable organization they have aligned with.  Fuck you block parent.

• The Host(s) - every significant event is greeted with an invitation to a party at the house of the "host parent".  The "Spring Fling", the "Summer BBQ", the "Fall Festival", and the "Annual XMAS" party(s) will all happen at the house of "the host".  Usually, the host couple are swingers and they are actually using this as an opportunity to gauge their neighbours interest in fucking one or both of them.  Watch out for the invite for a hot tub soak... 

• The Stalker - this is the parent that never should have had kids.  Seemingly, this parent lurks in the shadows and waits for you and your kids to get home each day.  Every conversation with this guy/girl ends up in you feeling like you need to move away and lock up your kids.  When his/her kids come over to play, they strongly resist the idea of leaving and going home.  They will likely cling to your leg like a leach at the beach.  Ultimately, if you live around this fuck, you will put your home up for sale and relocate, OR you'll shoot this person.

• The Cheater - this is the guy/girl that hates their life.  Their marriage has been destroyed by the pressure of being together, having kids, or perhaps just getting together in the first place.  Everyone knows they are off banging others, except for the partner and the kids. Be nice to this fuck, it could happen to you.  Word to the wise though, if you do decide to hunt down your partner on the suspicion of cheating, bring a teddy bear and a barf bag...

All of this highlights one key message for all of you - STAY THE FUCK OUTTA THE SUBURBS.  You are probably safer in prison than you are around this assortment of fuck balls.

As you were.