Never Fly Again

If there was a law that only permitted me to hate one thing, it would be people that congregate in dog parks.  If the lawmakers amended that law at some point in the future and allowed all citizens to add one more item to their hate list, I would choose air travel.

I’ll save the discussion on dog parks for a later date and jump right into air travel, since it is topical in this post-Bin Laden era that we all now live in…

The entire experience of air travel just generally upsets me.  It begins the morning of the flight with horrible…just horrible diarrhea (note - I think it is caused by the anxiety of flying and dealing with the jackasses that work in the air travel business vs fears of terrorism).  General anger and frustration continues as I’m herded like a castrated animal through the various stages/check points that one must pass before they are given the green light to fly. 

Is it me, or is this the only service based industry in the world that gets away with following the “guilty until proven innocent” motto?   Think about all of the negative interactions you have from parking the car, to checking in, to airport security, to boarding, to the stewardess constantly looking for rule breakers (please stow your bag sir).  This all raises a valid question, does the Soup Nazi control the entire industry?  One thing is for sure, they have certainly applied the basics of his service model, as illustrated in this clip:

Anyway, let us hold hands and travel through the stages of frustration that lead us from pre-flight bowel movement to the cathartic release of “de-boarding”… shall we…

• Airport Check-In/Self Check-In – much like self check-outs at big box stores, I hate the self check-in.  Most airports are now moving to self check in only, which really chaps my ass.  The problem with the self check-in is that most people don’t understand what to do and inevitably end up having to deal with a human being anyway.  What is supposed to be convenient is anything but.
• Checked Baggage – general rule of thumb - avoid checking your baggage at all costs.  This, however, is not always possible which leads to a slew of questions and further inconvenience.  Is there a per bag fee, do I now need to cart all of my baggage through airport security, where the fuck is the scale, have I surpassed the weight limit per bag, etc.   This process adds 15-20 minutes to the whole ordeal.
• Security – this is probably the worst and most stressful part, as the TSA agents salivate over the potential of taking you down.  As Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) outlined in the movie “Up in the Air”, there are a number of tips to observe at airport security to make the process as easy as possible:
• Never get in a line behind infants – good point and should be applied anywhere (think grocery stores, movie theatres, theme parks, etc).  Having said that, people with infants are basically given a speed pass through security.  If you can manage it, borrow an infant just for the security check.
• Never get in line behind the elderly – their bodies are a mine field of metal implants
• No shoes – get a decent pair of Velcro shoes OR go with slip-ons. 
• No liquids – why do you have them in the first place?  There are drinks on the plane and you can get shampoo at the hotel.
• Avoid the bomb joke – just ask Alexandre Daigle, former NHL 1^st round pick who made this mistake as a rookie.  Not a good idea.
• Boarding – what a cluster-fuck… In fairness to the air travel business, they do their best to organize people into groups to make the process of boarding a metal tube with wings somewhat orderly.  This is easily thrown off by the jackasses who insist on standing in the aisle while jamming an overly large carry-on into the overhead storage. 
• The Announcements – why are we always treated like air travel rookies when it comes to the pre-flight announcements?  Can they not just tell the 2 or 3 individuals who have never flown how to do up a seat belt and where the life vests are separately?  This is sort of like having a company and forcing all of your employees to go through orientation each time you hire someone new.  BTW, what the hell is a “lap child”?  This segement of the experience always reminds me of Tommy Boy (David Spade - To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a retard.)

• The Emergency Exit - with the emergency exit seat comes great responsibility or so the flight crew will have you believe.  Chances are, if you have to use that exit, everyone is going to be dead anyway.  Larry David can take it from here:

• Food & Beverage Service or Lack Thereof – nobody expects anything gourmet to be served by their steward or stewardess.  But are airlines hurting so badly that they can’t serve us anything?  Thanks for the complimentary shot glass of ginger ale.  I’m a satisfied customer now.
• In Flight Entertainment – stop fucking around and equip all planes with the individual screens for each passenger.  I love when I’m stuck on one of those flights where the screen is like 20 feet in front of me (located just over the head of some 6 foot 8 guy with a “fro”). 
• Other People – this is potentially the worst part about travelling, especially on long flights.  Stinky, Sweaty, Fat, Hairy, Booger, Crusty, Waxy, Halitosis are words that come to mind when thinking back to others that I have been forced to sit beside on flights.  Recently I was sandwiched between two guys that seemed to both have a particular affinity for snoring and crop dusting.  It was almost like they were playing a game of battleship in their sleep, exchanging one bomb after another hoping to strike the other one down.  The only person who lost in that exchange was me.

• Landing – why do people clap when the pilot lands the plane successfully?  Isn’t that just part of the routine?  I wonder, if I put 150 people in my office and allowed them to watch me do something like dial a number on the phone, have a conversation, and then successfully hang up the phone… would they break out in applause?
• De-Boarding – let the games begin.  From the moment the plane lands, I get revved up like Ben Johnson on some Charlie Francis steroid concoction.  I’m either sprinting to my next flight, to the taxi, or to get my ass through customs. 

Thank god it is over.  Until we fly again…

Bad Drivers - How to Spot 'Em

I have limited patience for anything in life, but limited drops to none when it comes to bad drivers.  In fact, one of the primary reasons for me to move out of the city and to the sticks was to get away from traffic lights and the exploding number of Honda Civics in my city.  Having said that and despite my best efforts, bad drivers continue to haunt me at every turn, especially this past week where the universe seemed hell bent on making sure I either crashed my car OR had a heart attack.  I think a heart attack is easier on the wallet.

Anyway, while trying to avoid a goulash of horrid motor vehicle skills, it occurred to me that one can be more proactive on the roads by identifying poor drivers before a potential accident occurs.  Essentially, make an assessment on every other vehicle on the road based on generalizations and stereotypes. 

With this in mind, I started to build a list with the goal of training myself to avoid those that fall into the categories outlined below (menace(s) to society).  I encourage you to do the same immediately.  Think of yourself as the nerdy profiler from Criminal Minds and make a game out of it. 

Dr. Spencer Reid

Although definitely incomplete, here is a copy of my “drivers to avoid" list so far to help you on your way.

• Anyone who drives vehicles like:
• The aforementioned Honda Civic  or the Toyota Corolla – as my friend recently told me, this vehicle class is typically either driven by “loose women”, punks in high school or college, or new Canadians.  Stereotypes, yes.  All generally bad drivers?  Also yes.
• Fiat, Smart Car, or the Prius – first, these people obviously don’t care about driving in the first place based on their vehicle choice, second, their vehicles are largely incapable of going any faster than 60 km/hr
• Anything rusty (Pontiac Sunfires, Chevrolet Cavaliers, Old Model Dodge/Chrysler Minivans) - Very often you’ll also find these vehicles to have one of those “foggy” tint jobs that was likely done with some “do it yourself” kit in 1992.
• Anything beige – again, a generalization, but how often do you see anyone cool or competent driving a beige vehicle?  Beige is typically the colour that the dealers reserve for the elderly or the budget conscious.
• Any vehicle sporting a “we support the troops decal” – hey, I’m all for supporting the troops, but this decal is unfortunately an indicator that the driver is either extremely old (think WW2 war veteran old) OR a country hick.  Both are described in further detail below.
• The vehicle has been customized – the performance muffler, the Andre the giant sized spoiler, the racing striping package – usually some guy in his teens or early 20’s with a small cock in the drivers’ seat, or an Asian dude.

• Unleashed dog roaming in vehicle – it is shocking how often this sighting is paired with a Subaru Outback.   Those that drive with a dog running all over the interior of the vehicle are often distracted and painfully slow.
• The Super Mom – The super mom is easily identified based on the vehicle (SUV or minivan with 7 seats) and the soccer ball decal or “baby on board” sign in the window.  Despite the fact they are driving at speeds of 80-100 km/hr with their highest value items, the physical act of driving the vehicle is the last thing on their mind.  What is on their mind?  Well, that includes changing radio stations or the songs on their IPOD, doing their make-up while looking into the rear view mirror, passing juice and snacks back to their kids or adjusting the DVD player,  updating their facebook status with something their kid just said or did so their other “Circle of Moms” friends stay current, etc.

• Vanity Plates – First of all, just get the regular randomly generated license plate and fuck off already.   A vanity plate more or less confirms that the driver of the vehicle is an arrogant self absorbed prick.  Although, what guy wouldn't want to meet the woman with this plate...

• Multiple Dents and Colours – a small scratch here and there does not mean someone is a poor driver, that is just regular wear and tear.  However, when there is clear vehicle damage in more than one location, get out of the way.  Also, look for random paint colours on the front and rear bumper depending on your view. 
• Smart Phones/Stupid People – although illegal, at least 50% of cell phone users continue to text and talk without a hands free device.  Spotting someone with a phone in hand is easy.  You must, however, work much harder to identify the texter/emailer.  This person is typically doing the head bob, where they read/type for a few seconds and quickly look-up, then resume reading/typing.  This cycle continues to repeat itself.  Pass this person immediately.

• The Ghost Driver – the ghost driver is that person who is either just not big enough to drive a car (physically or based on age).  As the name essentially describes, this driver appears to be absent when approaching the vehicle from behind.  I only avoid ghost drivers as their field of vision is obviously limited.
• Road Head in Progress – everyone remembers when Steve Martin got road head in the movie Parenthood right?  Although aired in 1989, it does seem to play every 3-4 weeks for some unknown reason.  Anyway, although your instincts make you want to clap when you sniff out road head, I strongly suggest to get the F out of the way.  At some point the dude driving the car is going to give his wife or girlfriend a facial and swerving will ensue.

Clearly Steve Martin getting blown in Parenthood

• Old People – why is it that old people seem to always purchase the biggest 4 door car possible (ex. Chrysler 300, Lincoln town cars, etc)?  Aside from the vehicle choice and hair colour, the elderly seem to struggle with the concepts of: driving the speed limit, using their signal lights, and stopping for pedestrians.  Additionally, they seem to view road signs or traffic lights as mere suggestions.

• The Country Hick – this is not meant to suggest that all country drivers are poor, just those that get off on stapling pictures of Osama Bin Laden on a tree in an abandoned campground and then using it for target practice.  These “lads” typically drive an “always muddy” pick-up truck, Pontiac something, or a Chevrolet Camaro.  The vehicle will also feature some sort of sticker with a ridiculous slogan, playboy decals, and flames.



I told ya I'd getcha Osama

 You should also avoid anyone with “swivel head” action going on.  This means they are basically checking everything else out, except the road.  Additionally, the church bizzaresque bumper sticker collection is a good indicator of inferior intelligence, and should therefore be approached with caution.

Yup, I’m an asshole...

My Funeral...An "Off-Broadway" Musical

Aside from my particular distaste for funeral sandwiches, there is something else that continues to bother me about the conventional and somewhat downtrodden nature of what is supposed to be a “celebration of life”.  At what point in the ceremony at the church or the post-burial veggies and dip fest do we actually celebrate the life of a loved one?  The answer is of course … never.  In fact, the only example of anything cool that I’ve ever seen was the portrayal of the great Andy Kaufman’s funeral in the movie Man on the Moon… see below:

Although I plan on living for another 90 years to capture what is likely my only shot at a World Record (note – currently held by the one and only Jeanne Calment who lived to 122 Years, 164 days), I have started to draft plans for the eventual celebration of my life (aka my funeral).   As it turns out, there aren’t many original ideas out there on how to creatively and comically shake up a tough day and make it fun, or at least funny.  I thought about a slide show, a video screening and a roast, but they didn’t feel right.  Finally it hit me… a musical depicting my life performed by family members and friends.  Death becomes an interactive experience.  Karaoke meets Broadway musical theatre.  Crazy?  Yes it is.  Potentially funny?  Yup.

I know absolutely nothing about writing a musical, but my parents did force me to listen to a shitload of Andrew Lloyd Webber when I was a kid on various car rides, so I think I have it directionally.  Still, I decided to do some research to make sure that my instincts were correct.  The following keys were revealed to me:

1. The musical must offer the audience a story – check – my life is multi-layered, much like that delicious nacho dip that you find at Costco...
2. See as many musicals as possible – this I will not do.  I actually detest musicals and once fell asleep during the Phantom of the Opera.
3. Open with a “kick-ass” song – got that covered… it shall be an homage to by DB (dead body)… see below for more on this topic

So, now that I understand the keys to a good musical and have at least listened to the same Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest hits CD 164 times, I think I’m ready to compose… The big question at this point is – do I write my own songs OR go Weird Al style and just switch up the lyrics of existing popular tunes?  Should I buy them lessons a la Adam Sandler/Jack Nicholson from Anger Management?

Nahhhh…since I’ll be forcing people to sing/perform from the great beyond, I think it is only fair to go with something they’ll be more familiar/comfortable with, so here it goes… the opening scene:

• Scene #1 – The Conductor – a large video screen shall display me, in a video that I still need to record, performing as a conductor… this shall run for the duration of the funeral.  See below for an example.

• Scene #2 – The Casket Entrance – the Foreigner song “Cold as Ice” will blast through the auditorium – is there a “gayer” song?  This shall be performed by my parents’ friend known as “The Snake”.  I would tell you his name, but once again, my mother and her legal team have threatened lawsuit.  Anyway, he is a karaoke master and will get things off on the right food.  The words from the original track shall remain unchanged, for safety sake. In an ironic twist, the casket shall be wheeled into a fiery oven, where I shall be cremated.

• Scene #3 – Flashback – with the casket now in place, a video montage will be shown depicting the low lights and highlights of my 123 years.  Accompanying the video will be the Blue Oyster Cult song “Don't Fear the Reaper", for obvious reasons.  A homeless man will play a cowbell.

• Scene #4 – The Tears – with the lengthy video review now in place, it is time to reflect on a life that was with tears (maybe).  To help escalate the matter and ensure that there is not a dry eye in the house, my good friend H will sing Don’t Cry For Me (an A-Web classic from Evita).  It should be known, that he is perhaps the most monotone son of a bitch that ever lived.

• Scene #5 - The Bridge - as you must already know, the bridge is the section near the end of the song that takes the melody and lyric in a new direction.  You must add some kind of twist that transforms the song into something more meaningful.  Applied to the musical, this can only mean "Music Of The Night" as sung by Will Ferrell below.  In this case, the lyrics will be completely re-written and my parents or what is left of them will play a starring role.  Note - both of them shall be forced to wear the Phantom mask, despite any relevance to the origins of the song.

• Scene #6 – Final Scene/Cremation – at this point, my body is freshly cooked and more or less ash.  Like the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so to do I become dust right in front of my family and friends.  With this transition now in place, my sister will arise from the crowd for her greatest performance yet - a rendition of “Wake Me Up” by Wham (definitely a step up from her part in the movie Loser).  Side note - after watching this video, who could have ever doubted George Michael's sexual preference... come on people!

• Scene # 7 - The Exit - as the "customers" leave the funeral, all full up on funeral sandwiches, booze, and whatnot, the following youtube video will appear on the video screen and through the audio system... "Oh Danny Boy" by the Muppets

OK, so maybe my first instinct was correct… this may not be the best idea.