Getting Married? Don't Invite Me.

Let me start this off by admitting what you probably already guessed from the killer title of this blog, I hate fucking weddings.  I loathe them.  Why?  Well, given my own dysfunctional family experience, I’m generally against the union of 2 human beings and the resulting offspring that are sure to be corrupted by flawed genetics and alcoholism.  Wait, I think I’m just referring to my own family here.  For example, check out the following video footage from the intervention we had for my mother…

In case you are wondering, that guy in the cut-off jean shorts is my Uncle Steve, formerly known as Aunt Linda. 

Anyway, let's get on with it.  Aside from your property tax bill, what is the worst piece of mail you can receive?  No, it is not the CD or DVD from Columbia House that you will never return and pay double for, it is the wedding invitation.  A wedding invitation is like getting a bill for a minimum of $150 (but more likely at least $500) just because someone you know decided to get married. 

Personally, I begin to experience symptoms of nausea from the minute I hear that someone I know is getting married.  You know the inevitable invitation is coming OR worse, the text or phone call from a friend who is planning to get married asking to “stand for them” in their “special day”.  In these difficult financial times…I’ve gone to the extent of weeding out any non-married friends and/or friends with future marriage potential.  I just can’t be bothered anymore and would rather end the friendship before the wedding invite comes.

Why do I feel this way?  Well, let’s examine the entire wedding experience, from engagement photos to dancing in some reception hall/room with your shirt off:

• The invitation – what a god damn waste of money and paper.  When will the green movement impact the wedding invitation.  I'd go with an e-vite (or did I already...).  Here are a few things that piss me off about the wedding invite
• The inclusion of an engagement photo.  Engagement photos tell me one thing and one thing only - the husband is especially pussy whipped.  See photo below.  Note to dudes - wearing a sweater in some park with your bride to be is gay.  Get it together.
• The lack of detail - we all only care about the following 2 things: 1) is it open bar, and 2) what is the spread?  Please skip the formalities moving forward and just tell us the time, place, and f & b options.  Note - If the answer is cash bar and chicken, decline the invite.
• The formality of the invite (ex. ...Together with their parents, Mr and Mrs. Smith & Mr. & Mrs Jones, request the pleasure of your company at 09:00 hours in Victoria Park) - newsflash, you are two regular people getting married.  Ditch the fairytale and invite me in "layman's terms".

• Selecting the wedding party - does the wedding party really reflect those close to the bride and groom OR are they the best political choices?  For example, how many times now do you see the brides brother on the side of the groom?  Do you think the groom really wants that prick there, probably not.  Luckily for me, I'll never be a best man as a) brides hate me, b) the groom knows I'll out him for some drunken night of slamming hookers or something to that effect.  This is an example of the role I would play in a wedding...

• A Ceremony of Rituals - let's cover this piece in segments
• Giving away the bride or pussy - I'm not sure how this ritual got started and I'm too lazy to read about it.  But, here is my take...the father officially passes off the bride to the groom and essentially in one motion gives his permission for the groom to "take her".  Think about that at the next wedding you attend.  It will make you feel weird.
• Objections? - I suppose your wedding guests need to be like references on a resume.  You need to be sure they will say good things about you and not fuck you.  Given this fact, can we save 1-2 minutes and just skip this part of the ceremony moving forward?
• The Vows - don't go with the meaningless crap that the priest has in his book, write your own.  Be like Larry David.

• The Sloppy Kiss? - "you may now kiss the bride".  Guess what father asshole, he already fucked her.  Since the world's gone to porn, maybe they should up the ante at the end of the wedding and go with some oral... grandma may have a heart attack...
• Signing The Register - can't this wait until later?  Don't make the rest of us sit around while you hover over each other signing a useless book.
• Cocktail Hour - arguably the best part of a wedding.  While the poor saps in the tuxedos and dresses sweat their balls and vagina's off during a photo shoot, the rest of us are taking the open bar for what we can.  I recommend double fisting vodka sodas and randomly making odd comments to the older people at the wedding. 
• Dinner Time - as referenced earlier, your options are typically chicken or chicken.  I get it, a safe choice.  Even the vegetarians may splurge and swallow a little bird so as not to make a scene on your special day.  Having said that, spend your $ on the catering.  Everybody remembers and enjoys a wedding with a special feast - don't fuck around.
• Speeches - again, this is better handled in the typical segments.
• The MC - this is usually the guy or girl that the bride or groom thinks is funny, but has enough cooth so as not to offend the more sophisticated individuals in the crowd.  Yes, I've never been an MC either damn it.  This person usually develops a massive ego as the night goes on, especially if they get a few early laughs from a recycled joke they found on youtube.
• Best Man - this is one of the easiest speeches you could ever write.  The formula is simple, insert story/joke from school/college, compliment them on the "man they've become", tell bride she looks beautiful.  You are done.  Or, you could go with something like this...

• The Made of Honour - typically, this speech is filled with random emotional outbursts, so nobody every really understands what she said anyway.  In case you can actually carry off a speech without crying the whole time, follow the best man formula but insert a line from a movie and/or reference something about soul mates.
• The Parents - usually one parent will deliver the speech on behalf of the parental unit.  This is because one parent is usually a coward and at terrible speaker.  Anyway, this speech usually involves an embarrassing story from the bride or groom's childhood, potentially a story about the Canada Cup, and lines like "welcome to the family".
• The Bride & Groom - typically an uncomfortable display of written/spoken affection for each other in front of the 150-200 people you claim to know best.  Very often you will see the bride and groom glow on about how much they love their "mommy and daddy", with lines like - "you are an inspiration", "I hope I can achieve 50% as much as you have", "I feel at home at your table", etc
• The First Dance - this is a good betting opportunity for the wedding guests.  The topic - did the bride and groom take dancing lessons or not?  Again, what kind of a groom would actually agree to taking dancing lessons.  Even though I suck at dancing (like Brandon from 90210), there is no chance I'd go to dance classes to learn "the waltz".

• The Bouquet Toss - ever noticed that all the fat chicks at the wedding get really competitive when the MC mentions the upcoming bouquet toss.  They look like a collection of Terry Tate's (the office linebacker) wearing a dress that fit them 5 years ago.

• The Garter Belt Toss - I can't take credit for this thought, but here was what was relayed to me on this topic recently - "ever notice how the crowd starts going ooooooohhhhhhh when the groom reaches up the brides dress to remove the garter belt?  It is like they all think he is about to sip from the pussy".  Enough said.

• The Daddy/Daughter Dance - this just makes me uncomfortable.  There is a weird "I want to have sex with you but I can't cause you are my daddy or daughter" vibe in the room.  Everyone feels it but buries it.  I bring it up to you now.  Sorry.
• Dance Mix 1992 - much like the food, the music that follows the formal part of the wedding will make or break the experience.  I'm ok with the typical format of catering to the old people first with songs like "The Twist" or the occasional Elvis tune that send old men to the floor with gyrating hips, but I do have to draw the line at songs like "Cotton Eyed Joe" or the "Macarena".  Having said that...

• Shirts Off - no wedding would be complete without the entire wedding party removing their shirts on the dance floor just prior to the end of the wedding.  Wait a minute, that was just once and it was the third worst moment in my life.  Don't worry Dad, it was a one time deal...

That was exhausting.  Probably more for you reading it than me writing it, but then again I don't really care about you.  So, please hold all wedding invites moving forward and move me to your B list, unless of course you don't expect a gift, have an open bar, and a gourment spread.

The End.

Friends... All Kinds of 'Em... Minus Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe

Based on everything I've read, it is quite common for human beings to step back periodically and take stock of their "friends".  Typically, this friend analysis is done to help rebuild any issues with self confidence or internal morale, sort of like the reset button on your old Nintendo (fuck you Duck Hunt, I'm starting over).  The process of scrutinizing where you sit on the friend scale has become even more profound in the era of social media, where the # of friends or followers you have seems to be a key ingredient in determining whether or not you should continue to live or run the razor blade across your tongue while shaving (extreme example).  Take for instance our good pal old Salad Fingers and his friends Hubert Cumberdale, Marjorie Stewart-Baxter, and Jeremy Fisher...

OK, that is fucking insane, but thought it was quite "apropos" as my mother would say.

Anyway, the concept of friend analysis "got me thinkin" about the different types of friends that one might have in their life.  I'm sure some Harvard prick who will never get laid can elaborate on the following list, but this is the best that my feeble mind could muster, so screw you Bob Barker.

So here it goes, all list of all kinds of friends:

• “Best” Friends - in your best impression of Lieutenant Commander Worf from the USS Enterprise-D, you cling-on to these people for dear life.  They are likely the only people in the world, except maybe your mom and dad (if you are lucky) that give a damn about you.  You will likely describe them at your wedding as "your rock", given all the solid advice they give you, as illustrated in this touching video clip.

• Work Friends - much like school friends, these are the people you are really forced to be friends with based on being at a particular location at the same time.  Typically, the only thing you have in common is your mutual hatred for your boss, or the fat secretary, or the no flip flop policy.

• Family Friends - these are the "oh no" friends or the "I'm gonna fake sick" friends.  You know, the people that you have typically been forced to hang out with due to some family relationship over the course of your life. 
• School Friends - see work friends.  The only difference is that at some point in your life you believed that your "so called" friends in school were going to be your social universe from death do you part.  Idiots. 
• Internet Friends - chat rooms, gaming guilds, etc.  You will never...ever... come face to face with these people, yet you'll disclose some of your greatest inner secrets and fears.  Could these be the best friends of all?
• Dinner Party/Couples Friends - much like the family friends described above, there is inevitably one member of the "couple" who dreads when their partner invites over their favorite couple.  Frankly, I'm usually the guy that most of my friends wives or girlfriends dread having over for anything other than a quick drink due to my bleak outlook on life and general lack of human decency.  I'm also the first guy they'll want to have sex with if their husbands leave them, or so it goes in my head anyway...
• Sympathy/Worship Friends - these are the people you just feel sorry for, usually because they have some sort of mental deficiency or spectrum diagnosis.  Having said that, you have some sick need to continue the friendship because their worship of you makes you feel better about yourself, like Kenny and Stevie

• Flashback Friends - this is the friend that helps you feel young again.  Why?  Cause they are at least a generation younger than you and help to reconnect you with a life that once was (vs. changing adult or baby diapers, doing the 9-5 thing, etc).  I recommend stocking the cupboard with a few of these friends.  Good for the dog days of January if nothing else.
• The One-Up You Friend - I hate this fucking friend.  This is the friend who listens to about half of everything you say, and then immediately manufactures a story that will "out-do" whatever you are describing.  Next time you see your "one-up" or "braggart" friend, test them with some outrageous story and see what BS they feed you back.  It is a fun game.  All the while, you are thinking about rag dolling them like Chara on McCabe...

• The “I Drive A Dodge Stratus” Friend - this is the guy or girl that likes to minimize everything in your life by highlighting how important their life is, like the Will Ferrell Dodge Stratus character (aka my dad)

• The Former Friend That Won’t Let it Die - what do you even say to this person?  You've given all the hints from the "how to dump a friend" playbook, but they just won't give-up.  If you still don't understand what I'm talking about, think of that good friend that you had in high school that you occasionally bump into at the grocery store or the mall that always insists on trying to "make plans".  As soon as you see this person, you want to dive into oncoming traffic and avoid the inevitable "stop and chat"...

• The “Our Kids Play Together” Friends - Got kids?  Then you got some of these friends.  Take a deep breath, relax, and try not to kill yourself as you enter into awkward conversation after awkward conversation.  All the while you are hoping that one of your kids will puke or have horrid diarrhea so you can end the play date and move on.
• The “Service Provider” Friends - your insurance agent, financial advisor, mortgage broker, vagina doctor, etc.  Their earnest attempt at building a professional sales relationship with you often crosses the border to friendship (like when they disclose their marital problems or recent requirement to use cialis to bang their wife). 
• The “Token” Race Representation Friend - this seems only to be common of groups of friends that live in predominantly white areas.  Very often, the token friend is actually Asian, but this clip from South Park will do as an adequate explanation of what I'm talking about.  Side note, token usually remains one of your better friends through thick and think.  Invest in a token.

 

Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got some friend pruning to do on Facebook.

Good night and god speed.