Friends... All Kinds of 'Em... Minus Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe

Based on everything I've read, it is quite common for human beings to step back periodically and take stock of their "friends".  Typically, this friend analysis is done to help rebuild any issues with self confidence or internal morale, sort of like the reset button on your old Nintendo (fuck you Duck Hunt, I'm starting over).  The process of scrutinizing where you sit on the friend scale has become even more profound in the era of social media, where the # of friends or followers you have seems to be a key ingredient in determining whether or not you should continue to live or run the razor blade across your tongue while shaving (extreme example).  Take for instance our good pal old Salad Fingers and his friends Hubert Cumberdale, Marjorie Stewart-Baxter, and Jeremy Fisher...

OK, that is fucking insane, but thought it was quite "apropos" as my mother would say.

Anyway, the concept of friend analysis "got me thinkin" about the different types of friends that one might have in their life.  I'm sure some Harvard prick who will never get laid can elaborate on the following list, but this is the best that my feeble mind could muster, so screw you Bob Barker.

So here it goes, all list of all kinds of friends:

• “Best” Friends - in your best impression of Lieutenant Commander Worf from the USS Enterprise-D, you cling-on to these people for dear life.  They are likely the only people in the world, except maybe your mom and dad (if you are lucky) that give a damn about you.  You will likely describe them at your wedding as "your rock", given all the solid advice they give you, as illustrated in this touching video clip.

• Work Friends - much like school friends, these are the people you are really forced to be friends with based on being at a particular location at the same time.  Typically, the only thing you have in common is your mutual hatred for your boss, or the fat secretary, or the no flip flop policy.

• Family Friends - these are the "oh no" friends or the "I'm gonna fake sick" friends.  You know, the people that you have typically been forced to hang out with due to some family relationship over the course of your life. 
• School Friends - see work friends.  The only difference is that at some point in your life you believed that your "so called" friends in school were going to be your social universe from death do you part.  Idiots. 
• Internet Friends - chat rooms, gaming guilds, etc.  You will never...ever... come face to face with these people, yet you'll disclose some of your greatest inner secrets and fears.  Could these be the best friends of all?
• Dinner Party/Couples Friends - much like the family friends described above, there is inevitably one member of the "couple" who dreads when their partner invites over their favorite couple.  Frankly, I'm usually the guy that most of my friends wives or girlfriends dread having over for anything other than a quick drink due to my bleak outlook on life and general lack of human decency.  I'm also the first guy they'll want to have sex with if their husbands leave them, or so it goes in my head anyway...
• Sympathy/Worship Friends - these are the people you just feel sorry for, usually because they have some sort of mental deficiency or spectrum diagnosis.  Having said that, you have some sick need to continue the friendship because their worship of you makes you feel better about yourself, like Kenny and Stevie

• Flashback Friends - this is the friend that helps you feel young again.  Why?  Cause they are at least a generation younger than you and help to reconnect you with a life that once was (vs. changing adult or baby diapers, doing the 9-5 thing, etc).  I recommend stocking the cupboard with a few of these friends.  Good for the dog days of January if nothing else.
• The One-Up You Friend - I hate this fucking friend.  This is the friend who listens to about half of everything you say, and then immediately manufactures a story that will "out-do" whatever you are describing.  Next time you see your "one-up" or "braggart" friend, test them with some outrageous story and see what BS they feed you back.  It is a fun game.  All the while, you are thinking about rag dolling them like Chara on McCabe...

• The “I Drive A Dodge Stratus” Friend - this is the guy or girl that likes to minimize everything in your life by highlighting how important their life is, like the Will Ferrell Dodge Stratus character (aka my dad)

• The Former Friend That Won’t Let it Die - what do you even say to this person?  You've given all the hints from the "how to dump a friend" playbook, but they just won't give-up.  If you still don't understand what I'm talking about, think of that good friend that you had in high school that you occasionally bump into at the grocery store or the mall that always insists on trying to "make plans".  As soon as you see this person, you want to dive into oncoming traffic and avoid the inevitable "stop and chat"...

• The “Our Kids Play Together” Friends - Got kids?  Then you got some of these friends.  Take a deep breath, relax, and try not to kill yourself as you enter into awkward conversation after awkward conversation.  All the while you are hoping that one of your kids will puke or have horrid diarrhea so you can end the play date and move on.
• The “Service Provider” Friends - your insurance agent, financial advisor, mortgage broker, vagina doctor, etc.  Their earnest attempt at building a professional sales relationship with you often crosses the border to friendship (like when they disclose their marital problems or recent requirement to use cialis to bang their wife). 
• The “Token” Race Representation Friend - this seems only to be common of groups of friends that live in predominantly white areas.  Very often, the token friend is actually Asian, but this clip from South Park will do as an adequate explanation of what I'm talking about.  Side note, token usually remains one of your better friends through thick and think.  Invest in a token.

 

Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got some friend pruning to do on Facebook.

Good night and god speed.