The Evolution of Ranking Humans

Well it's Sunday today, which means only one thing...I'm watching that show about that thing on the Discovery Channel.  It is a ritual.  Today's show has featured the evolution of mankind from the cave to the iPhone.  This reminded me of two things.  1 - just like the stockholders of RIM, I need to dump the blackberry in favour of something much cooler.  2- I should shave my caveman like beard so young families stop running away from me in the park.  Having said that, the beard does make me look more intellectual, which really only serves a purpose when I'm invited to a wine and cheese party with snobby/yuppie d-bags.  Anyway, the whole evolution thing "got me thinkin" about how humans may have in fact peaked and we are now on the wrong side of the mountain.  You just need to review the headlines each day to know that is the case (see earlier blog re “the headlines”).   Not to get to philosophical on your asses, but human beings have generally lost touch with what it means to be human.

One sure sign of our evolving disconnect between right and wrong is the transformation of how we “rank” members of the opposite sex.  A simple “she/he is hot or not” has evolved into a complicated math formula that even some of the most advanced intellects don’t understand.  What’s more, the determination of a positive ranking is based less on who you are and more on what you look like, especially if you have invested in some technological beauty enhancements.  To illustrate what I’m talking about, consider the following:

·     1950 - Men commonly referred to a girl they wanted to fuck as “swell” (as in – “did you see Mildred in art class today, she really looked swell”).  Another great word used in this era was “snazzy”.

·     1980-1999 – Words like “cute” and “hot” became more common references to describe those that we found attractive

·     2000 – The website Hot or Not was founded by two electrical engineers who graduated from Berkeley (U of California).  I can just imagine what these guys look like.  Anyway, for those out of the loop, this site allowed users to post photos of people and allow the mass populous to rate the people depicted in the photo based on their looks alone.  This helped to sway an already morally bankrupt society further into the red.

·     2005 – Words like “smokin’”, “steaming”, and “face melter” became more trendy

·     2009 – It became commonplace to use numbers instead of words to describe women.  “She is a 10 dude” or “Oh pig vomit, that bitch is like a 2”.

·     2011 – After years of research and a fake sociology degree obtained online, the Lighthouse Attendant releases a new 0-5 scale that is sure to change to face of our society…

So, in the spirit of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”, here goes nothin’:

0.   The Land Monster – this “thing” invokes an instant reaction of heaving while covering your mouth.  It is not just the inevitable cottage cheese smell or cankles, but the sheer sight of it’s face makes you want to shove your head up your own ass.  It is safe to say that 3% of the population is represented in this category.  Many of them are from Smiths Falls.

1.   The Mutt – potentially a family cross bread experiment gone wrong.  They are likely somewhat over OR under weight with a blue cheese odor, coke bottle glasses, and hair that rivals a straw sun hat.  I’ll say 12% of the population falls into this category (or 80% of the 1980’s).

2.   Deception – much like that terribly overrated Leo DiCaprio film Inception, a “2” is good from a far, but far from good.  Very fuckin’ far frankly.  From the other side of the gymnasium, you could swear this girl is legitimately fuckable.  Upon further review, she looks like that gap between your asshole and your nuts…not good.  If you get drunk enough, you’ll probably be willing to take it down, but you’ll never admit it to your friends.  Sadly, 20% of the population falls into this grouping.  Curiously, many of them are from England and Asia…

3.   Even Steven – they won’t impress you, but they also won’t disappoint.  If you don’t really care about getting routine hard-ons, this is where you should settle in.  They’ll make you breakfast on the weekends, do your laundry, and generally be your slave – no questions asked.  They know you are doing them a favour.  35% of the world’s population falls into category 3.

4.   Marriage Material – Great face, better body, and smells like what I imagine “Miggs” to sense when Clarice walked by his cell in Silence of the Lambs.  She is not “too hot”, so you don’t have to worry about her cheating on you.  As an additional bonus, she is also wicked smart and likely has a better career than you do.  20% of the world’s population falls into category.

5.   Roasting/Steaming/Blazing Hot – This creature appears to be the offspring of God himself and the IBM super computer (who I imagine to be a woman for this illustration).  She is so unbelievable that you start shaking at the knees and seeing the world like Monet.  In this moment, you wish had Jesus-like powers to turn this loaf of ass into baskets of fishes…errr. 

*Note – a bonus point can be applied to anyone in the 0-4 category if they pay for certain physical enhancements, like breast implants, tummy tucks, tongue rings.  This assumes, of course, that they hired a legitimate professional to complete the work vs. Dr. Taxi Driver working out of some back alley in china town.

Watch for the new lighthouse attendant rating scale website, where I simply plan to copy “hot or not” and collect advertising fees for banner ads and eventually pre-roles for the video content.

If you take any of this seriously and/or are offended by it, you probably enjoyed the “women’s studies” course in first year.  Here is a treat for you fucko.

Until we meet again.

The Six Week Coma. Las Vegas... The Aftermath.

Forgive me Internet, for I have sinned.  It has been 6 weeks since my last confession and/or blog post if you want to be a dick about it.  When I started writing this piece of crap several months ago, I promised myself (and all 6 of my friends) that I would be dedicated to the cause of promoting useless Internet content across the globe.  It was with this resolve and commitment that I thought of myself as less of a writer and more of an Olympic athlete, continuing to up the ante with more and more ridiculously insane accomplishments.  Well, I guess the fame got to my head and I "got away from my roots".  Sort of like this little bit of comedic genius...or as I like to call it "before The Mask ruined everything":

God, I love the world wide web...

Anyway, apparently I don't have the same level of commitment that I thought I did.  I'm ashamed to admit that a combination of summer activities, drinking and smoking like Andrew Dice Clay, and an insane job have all but sucked up every second of my time over the past month and a half.  Having said that, all is not lost for I have sucked the teet of greatness many times during the summer of my discontent. 

It all started with my first (and last) trip to Las Vegas (aka a much better Niagara Falls, minus the water falls and reasonable weather).  This trip started out as strictly business, but ended up with a severe case of dehydration, chronic fatigue syndrome, Alzheimer's, and a rash that continues to puzzle doctors.  Despite the ongoing medical issues, I have to admit that I recommend this as a destination for those willing to spend some serious $$$ to have a great time.  I'm probably not cool enough to speak of such things like the In-N-Out Burger, snorting cocaine off hookers, throwing cash in the air at the bar, or dropping ten grrr on roulette, so I'll leave the cool aspects of Vegas to Tucker Max and proceed with my cynical viewpoint (shocker alert).  Here we go:

• Plastic and/or Wax History - It is true what they say about the desert, be warned of the mirage.  Instead of a palm tree and a camel drinking from a pool of water, the mirage is actually a city called Las Vegas.  A city which simply rips off all the good it can find from other places in the world.  The Venetian?  Simply a plastic and concrete replica of Venice.  New York New York?  Can you say Genius! Genius!  I did.  The Luxor?  A photocopy of the pyramids.  Rumour has it they have entombed Elvis here.  If you don't care about seeing the real thing, this is a great way to tour the world while never leaving the strip I guess...
• Dirty Slots - I've read many times about the amount of fecal matter embedded into movie theatre seats, but I've never really seen anything that addresses how disgusting a slot machine is.  #1.  Take a look at the people who play slot machines routinely.  They are just gross.  Even the "second class" citizens have voted these people off the island.  #2.  When do these machines get cleaned?  I've never seen it happen.  The casinos are basically open all the time every day, so I shutter to think what type of bacteria exists on the surface of the penny slots, or the Wheel of Fortune machines... 
• Foot Tapping Tunes - word to the wise people, don't stay in The Venetian.  Although it is a freakin' beautiful casino/hotel/mall/resort, they play show tunes on a loop for the entire duration of your stay.  Give me Phantom of the Opera...No?  Give me Jersey Boys... No?  Give me Les Miserables... insanity.  The only thing worse than the music are the people that actually enjoy it.  Consider the elevator ride with the cliche overweight lesbian who just effin loves everything AL Webber... it smells like Tide detergent and is generally not cool.
• United Nations For Retarded People - Vegas presents a sampling of travellers from all over the planet.  Asians, Australians, Aspergers (wait...), Germans, South Americans, Jehovah's Witnesses (wait...), Russians, Swedes, Taliban's (wait...)...  It is great to see so many countries, religions, or philosophical points of view coming together to enjoy each others company... However, I gotta say that these people aren't necessarily the best of the best from their particular "group".  They are the definition of "don't judge a book by it's cover".  In fact, I'm 90% sure that the vast majority of them are pretentious illiterates...
• You Just Gotta Spend - now being the man whore that I am, I've witnessed or played the starring role in many an orgy (huh...hummm).  However, I've never seen so many people literally blow loads of money and bodily fluids in retail malls, stores, outlets, casinos, and so on.  I watched one 19 year old kid blow $7K at a black jack table in 15 minutes.  No shit.  I think he may have shot himself after, but it was tough to be sure based on the condition of the remains.  I guess somebody forgot to tell visitors of Vegas that the worldwide economic crisis ain't over yet or some guy named Vinny is presently "repoing" their house. 
• Paparazzi - this is the only city I've ever been to where white people out number the Asians in terms of camera use.  Who wants to remember their time there anyway?  Hide the fuckin evidence.
• Does Anyone Cook Their Own Food? - I counted.  You can't take more than 12 steps without hitting a place that serves food (or hookers, which arguably is the same thing).  Upon further review, there is actually one restaurant for every 25 full time residents in Las Vegas.  When you consider the total number of unsuspecting tourists who fly into this great city each day, I suppose the # of restaurants is appropriate.
• Hooker Trading Cards - also known as excellent "coasters" for the bar in your home, hooker trading cards are routinely handed out by Filipino nationals who have decided to flee the beauty of their home country for the filth of Las Vegas (and the promise of more $).  Nice move.  I struggle to understand why any guy would feel the need to pay for sex in a city where it is almost an automatic.  You just need to show up with a decent pair of pants and shoes.

I actually checked myself into emergency right after the flight.  No, it wasn't for the rash.  That came later like the butterfly effect.  It was for an unrelated injury sustained when a large rock decided to land on my hand while building a sacrificial bonfire, turning my hand into a new school version of the elephant man's face.



Be that as it may, I am back to 75% health (aka normal) and back in training for the Oly's.   Look for me to get back to championship form in the coming days/weeks, or until I fall back into a Las Vegas coma.