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Classifying the Human Parent

Fortunately for me, I've been blessed with two fucking beautiful and healthy kids (insert a knock on wood here).  As much as sometimes being a dad can be a royal pain in the ass and occasionally the scrotum, I'm pretty lucky to have experienced this part of life.  There are just so many amazing and cool things that happen as a parent that you could never really expect or anticipate, for instance:  getting pissed on when changing a diaper, tasting someone else's vomit, or determining that the horrible smell in the kitchen was in fact caused by a shit that your kid took in the garbage, and uh...oh ya, watching them take their first steps or score a hat trick in hockey.

I could go on and on with positives about being a Dad...but there is one major fucking negative - DEALING WTH OTHER PARENTS.  You see, there seems to be some sort of metamorphosis that occurs with the human parent upon the birth of their first child.  What once may have been a regular/semi-cool individual turns into a complete and utter waste of skin jackass.  Instead of thinking about drinking beer and getting pussy, their mind turns to strollers, the "kids schedule", and baby bottles.  Their comedic material turns from the dirty trucker variety to kid friendly jokes without "swear words".  They become fascinated with yogurt and things that are gluten free.  Its fucking depressing really and I'm only now describing the honeymoon phase that occurs before you realize that your kids are actually fucking assholes (aren't we all) that are born only to cause you undue stress and several thousands of dollars spent on psychotherapy.

The point is, kids fucking change people.  Once you have them, you become something or someone else.  You must assimilate into one of the common parenting groups or classes, or find yourself on the fringes like that bitch Sophie with the 6 toes.

Let's visit this Louis CK video clip on parenting before we move further, shall we:

This all brings me to publishing what is certain to become the new classification system for labelling the human parent.  Surely, some more legitimate/scholarly institution will contact me for the rights to this shit...  Here we go with the various types of human parents:

• The Coach - this is the guy, or soccer/rowing lesbian mother that takes on the role of being the coach of everything. I think they wear a whistle around their neck in the shower for Christ's sakes.  Their kid will feel so much pressure when it comes to performing in sports that they'll quit playing before realizing how good they could actually be.  You'll know good old "coach dad/mom" by their propensity to wear team colours or branded clothing...as illustrated below:

• The Teacher/Nerd - this parent, whether they are a teacher by trade or not, insists upon frequent educational opportunities for their children.  Weekend visits to the museums, studying bugs in the grass, building paper mache volcanoes...you name it.  They'll constantly remind you of what you are doing wrong with your kids and laugh at you behind your back.  Little do they know that you are going to get the last laugh when you kid kicks the shit out of their kid in middle school (haha mothafucka).  These people are raising a new generation of nerd.

• The Serial Killer - You'll know this parent exists in your neighbourhood when you witness any of the following (if you do, please call your local block parent):
• Their children never make eye contact
• All the blinds in their house are drawn
• They have a basement that is off-limits to guests or children
• They carry dark coloured bags with what appears to be human remains out of their house late a night when they think you aren't looking at them through your telescope...

• The Addict - the addict parent is probably the calmest of all...reason being, they are either drunk or highly medicated.  If you want to sniff out an addict parent, watch for frequent visits to the beer/liquor store and/or periodic visits from asian guys with pimped out Honda Civics.  The child of the addict is destined to be your kids future drug dealer, like this fucking Indonesian kid right here...

• The Do It Yourselfer - I hate this fucking guy, mostly cause I'm jealous I can't do anything myself.  I can't even build IKEA furniture without punching a hole in the wall.  The do it yourself parent is obsessed with The Learning Chanel and trips to Home Depot, Lowes, or Rona (if he is Canadian).  He is prone to jerking off with a tool belt still attached to his cock and balls, just in case he need and Allen Key to finish things up.  Anyway, watch for any of the following actions...
• Paves his own driveway
• Trims his grass with scissors so it looks cleaner
• Installs his own granite countertops
• Re-shingles his roof while singing show tunes from Annie (ok, this is really mean and I'm sorry...BUT...he posted it).

• The Cool Guy/Girl - this parent is still stuck in their University/College persona.  If they are a dude, they are likely 40 plus, still have spiky hair, wax their car in their driveway with no shirt on, and smoke weed with their kids.  You'll probably actually like the kids of this parent, as they'll swear, drink, and probably be closer to an adult in terms of maturity than a child.  Worst case, they'll repeat the shit that the parent says around the house, like the girl in the video below.  As your child enters his/her teen years, you can expect that most of the parties will occur at the home of this parent.  

• The Block Parent - this parent should just sleep in their reflection vest.  They are constantly on the lookout for danger and have taken the responsibility to alert you of said dangers (especially if you break the 50km/hr barrier while driving).  You can spot them late a night walking around the neighbourhood with a flash light and some measuring tape.  They probably routinely stop by your home with some rogue request for money to raise funds for some pathetic charitable organization they have aligned with.  Fuck you block parent.

• The Host(s) - every significant event is greeted with an invitation to a party at the house of the "host parent".  The "Spring Fling", the "Summer BBQ", the "Fall Festival", and the "Annual XMAS" party(s) will all happen at the house of "the host".  Usually, the host couple are swingers and they are actually using this as an opportunity to gauge their neighbours interest in fucking one or both of them.  Watch out for the invite for a hot tub soak... 

• The Stalker - this is the parent that never should have had kids.  Seemingly, this parent lurks in the shadows and waits for you and your kids to get home each day.  Every conversation with this guy/girl ends up in you feeling like you need to move away and lock up your kids.  When his/her kids come over to play, they strongly resist the idea of leaving and going home.  They will likely cling to your leg like a leach at the beach.  Ultimately, if you live around this fuck, you will put your home up for sale and relocate, OR you'll shoot this person.

• The Cheater - this is the guy/girl that hates their life.  Their marriage has been destroyed by the pressure of being together, having kids, or perhaps just getting together in the first place.  Everyone knows they are off banging others, except for the partner and the kids. Be nice to this fuck, it could happen to you.  Word to the wise though, if you do decide to hunt down your partner on the suspicion of cheating, bring a teddy bear and a barf bag...

All of this highlights one key message for all of you - STAY THE FUCK OUTTA THE SUBURBS.  You are probably safer in prison than you are around this assortment of fuck balls.

As you were.

The Ass Tampon - A New Invention

If you just read that title, you are probably already creating mental images of some mammoth pig shoving her tampon up her vassgina (vassgina - when there is no clear definition between the vaginal entry point and the anus, one refers to the general area as a vassgina).  If that's true, I feel sorry for you because I just pictured it and I vomited baby back ribs on my exquisite leather couch.  Easy clean up, but overly meaty for this time of night.

Anyway, much like Thomas Edison when he invented the light bulb, something weird happened to me a few months ago.  No, I wasn't running around naked in a corn field somewhere in the southern United States...and no, I wasn't suddenly abducted by aliens and renamed Guardian.  The truth is that I went to Mexico for fun and skanky whore sex and came home with a weight loss secret that would make the founder of Weight Watchers jealous.  What is it?  I'm still not sure...frankly, I'm not even sure if there is name for it, unless "reverse diarrhea" is already trademarked. 

Before you report me to the local authorities, this is not sexually transmitted.  It is much worse.  I believe that I contracted whatever this is from the resort buffet, and not the 250 pounder that I shamefully woke up beside a few weeks back.  What are the symptoms you might ask?  Well, the symptoms can be summed up in 3 words: blood, pain, general dizziness.  Fuck me, I'm starting to sound like some asshole from a Preparation H commercial except I haven't said "itching" yet? 

Anyway, without getting too specific, this "illness" has lead me to a profound discovery, which will be coming to a novelty store near you in the very near future.  That discovery is known only as "The Ass Tampon".  The Ass Tampon is as basic as it sounds.  It is a genetically altered vaginal tampon used to stop massive bleeding or hemorrhaging from the anal cavity.  How disgusting you might say???...well just watch this infomercial that I've recently completed with a few of my 12 year old friends.  It will surely change your mind...

Some may think that this is just a novelty market, but it isn't.  I've actually conducted extensive research into the utility of this product and have found that there are three key money making opportunities here:  1) As a gift,  making fun of friends with fissures, hemorrhoids, or general ass issues, 2) Ass therapy for people that like ass sex, 3) Bridging the gap for people that actually have period like bleeding when they crap.  I'm already in several pharmacies across North America and sales are really taking off.

Anyway, I'm quite excited by the prospect of great riches from this new invention and I invite you to share in my happiness.  I'll be launching some preferred share options in the Ass Tampon Corporation in the next few weeks, so talk to your broker now and get your house in order.

Leave Your Leftovers At Home Asshole - Office Lunch Etiquette

Much like Jesus Christ, I have risen from the ashes of an intensely difficult period of my life.  Rather than being nailed to the cross by a bunch of heathenous cunts, I've been working with a gun to my head, cock, and asshole.  I figured Easter(ish) was a good time to launch the resurrection of this blog.  Strangely, more people have been reading this while I've been dead.  This must be how Kurt Cobain feels...wait...
 

Well fuck you too then Jesus...

Anyway, I've been doing my best to keep track of various topics that I think will make for some good material when I find myself with some free time to chug some Creemore and spew out garbage.  I thought I'd get started with something that has really been pissing me off lately... "The Office Leftover Lunch".  Every office has a slew of cheap assholes that think they are going to be the next Donald Trump by avoiding the $10 per day take out lunch.  I got news for you, the $2,500 you save by not buying lunch everyday is an investment in your sanity.  Eating at your desk is both bad for your health and generally disgusting.  Some do this for legitimate dietary or religious reasons, and I respect that. But others (you know who you are) really take it to the extreme.  Here is an example of what I'm referring to:

Look, I have no problem with people bringing any non-fish related sandwich or salad to work, but I take extreme issue with anything that has to be microwaved and/or eaten with a fork and knife.  What gives you the right to bring your stink into the office?  Would you be happy if I sauntered into your cubicle and took a dump on your lap?  99% of toilets agree that you wouldn't.  But, you keep on going, heating up some sort of jambalaya made of garbage that you and your likely fat wife concocted the night before.  I think Fat Bastard said it best (somewhere around the 1:12 minute mark of this clip)...

Knowing how utterly stupid the vast majority of humanity is, I thought I'd make a short list of things you should avoid consuming and/or heating up in the office.  You'll thank me later when you actually get promoted into a better position versus being a labelled "stinky".

1. Anything Fishy - if we wanted to smell fish at the office, we'd be eating out our secretaries on our desk like Don Draper from Mad Men.  Hmmm...not a bad idea...
2. Anything Mexican - nobody really needs to hear you contracting a bad case of Montezuma's revenge, so leave the leftover burritos at home asshole.
3. Curried Anything - self explanatory.  Anyone who has happened to find themselves in the home of an East Indian family the morning after getting blackout drunk, knows exactly what I'm talking about.  Nothing induces vomit quite like a bulk bin of curry asshole.
4. Old Cheese - if it was OK to have the smell of rotten hockey equipment or gym shoes floating around the office, we'd all choose comfort over style and walk around with our shoes off.  But we don't!  So shove your blue cheese, stilton, or old cheddar up your ass.
5. Microwave Dinners - I have an intense hate on for whoever came up with this concept (the genius behind Stouffer's or Michelena's).  The quality of the food is god awful to begin with, but even worse, it fucking stinks.  If you insist on being a total mutt and eating this shit, save it for it's intended use - dinner in your home while you watch Jeopardy and pretend to be smart.

So, in summary, unless you are Gordon Ramsey, Bobby Flay, or equivalent, leave your leftover dinners in the fridge or toss them into your green bin.  If you insist on continuing to bring into the office, you are a total douche and I will come for you.  I'll leave you with this horrible instructional video, as we need to keep this somewhat educational...