Leave Your Leftovers At Home Asshole - Office Lunch Etiquette

Much like Jesus Christ, I have risen from the ashes of an intensely difficult period of my life.  Rather than being nailed to the cross by a bunch of heathenous cunts, I've been working with a gun to my head, cock, and asshole.  I figured Easter(ish) was a good time to launch the resurrection of this blog.  Strangely, more people have been reading this while I've been dead.  This must be how Kurt Cobain feels...wait...
 

Well fuck you too then Jesus...

Anyway, I've been doing my best to keep track of various topics that I think will make for some good material when I find myself with some free time to chug some Creemore and spew out garbage.  I thought I'd get started with something that has really been pissing me off lately... "The Office Leftover Lunch".  Every office has a slew of cheap assholes that think they are going to be the next Donald Trump by avoiding the $10 per day take out lunch.  I got news for you, the $2,500 you save by not buying lunch everyday is an investment in your sanity.  Eating at your desk is both bad for your health and generally disgusting.  Some do this for legitimate dietary or religious reasons, and I respect that. But others (you know who you are) really take it to the extreme.  Here is an example of what I'm referring to:

Look, I have no problem with people bringing any non-fish related sandwich or salad to work, but I take extreme issue with anything that has to be microwaved and/or eaten with a fork and knife.  What gives you the right to bring your stink into the office?  Would you be happy if I sauntered into your cubicle and took a dump on your lap?  99% of toilets agree that you wouldn't.  But, you keep on going, heating up some sort of jambalaya made of garbage that you and your likely fat wife concocted the night before.  I think Fat Bastard said it best (somewhere around the 1:12 minute mark of this clip)...

Knowing how utterly stupid the vast majority of humanity is, I thought I'd make a short list of things you should avoid consuming and/or heating up in the office.  You'll thank me later when you actually get promoted into a better position versus being a labelled "stinky".

1. Anything Fishy - if we wanted to smell fish at the office, we'd be eating out our secretaries on our desk like Don Draper from Mad Men.  Hmmm...not a bad idea...
2. Anything Mexican - nobody really needs to hear you contracting a bad case of Montezuma's revenge, so leave the leftover burritos at home asshole.
3. Curried Anything - self explanatory.  Anyone who has happened to find themselves in the home of an East Indian family the morning after getting blackout drunk, knows exactly what I'm talking about.  Nothing induces vomit quite like a bulk bin of curry asshole.
4. Old Cheese - if it was OK to have the smell of rotten hockey equipment or gym shoes floating around the office, we'd all choose comfort over style and walk around with our shoes off.  But we don't!  So shove your blue cheese, stilton, or old cheddar up your ass.
5. Microwave Dinners - I have an intense hate on for whoever came up with this concept (the genius behind Stouffer's or Michelena's).  The quality of the food is god awful to begin with, but even worse, it fucking stinks.  If you insist on being a total mutt and eating this shit, save it for it's intended use - dinner in your home while you watch Jeopardy and pretend to be smart.

So, in summary, unless you are Gordon Ramsey, Bobby Flay, or equivalent, leave your leftover dinners in the fridge or toss them into your green bin.  If you insist on continuing to bring into the office, you are a total douche and I will come for you.  I'll leave you with this horrible instructional video, as we need to keep this somewhat educational...