Forgive me if I'm even more of a surly fucker than normal today. You see, today was not just the regular old run of the mill day featuring the general shit that chaps my ass. It was much worse. I am of course speaking of a day where I was forced to frequent a big box store to buy a case of discounted Red Bull. I'm not 100% sure what happens to my body when I enter a Costco, Walmart, Home Depot or any other gigantic shopping orgy, but there is most certainly a physiological reaction that can only be described as "the big box store sweats". Within 4 minutes of passing through the front door, my blood begins to boil causing sweat to burst through my pores like diarrhea through the eye of a needle. This coupled with severe anxiety and shortness of breath makes for a tough experience. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the store itself as much as the cold cut combo of people on welfare, long lineups and multiple items produced in China that smell of cheap plastic and hookers. To keep myself sane, I typically play a game of Walmart Bingo in my head (applied to any big box store) where each letter represents a big box store customer stereotype. For example, B could equal a teenage girl with a baby, I could equal an entire new Canadian family (all 45 of them that are crammed into some townhouse in the burbs), N could equal an old white guy that shouldn't be trusted with children, G could equal an old lady with a "gunt" (sorry grandma), and O could equal anyone from a trailer park, like Joe Dirt here...
I gotta get me some of them french fried potaters
Anyway... aside from big box store sweating like Chunk from the Goonies, here are some other things that just piss me off...
Office Food Prep - frankly I encourage more people to bring their own lunch to work - why throw away $10 a day on a sammy that you can make by yourself (although, I do that routinely)? Where I draw the line is on food that has a strong odour or requires microwave or toaster oven preparation (ie anything with fish, microwave meals, leftovers, reheated eggs, warmed up broccoli, etc). Don't be the asshole who makes your office smell like low rental housing...
Contrived Reality TV - what is worse, the shows or the people that watch them? I can only hypothesize that most of the viewership comes from people that either a) don't have cable, satellite or anything other than an antenna, or b) have extremely limited intelligence. If the show is truly "reality", then OK with me. But how many actually fall into that category? Big Brother, The Biggest Loser, Survivor, The Bachelor, etc - ridiculous and so clearly "directed".
Passive Aggressive e-communications (email, facebook, text, etc) - These are reserved for people who are assholes at heart, but lack the balls to go through the front door... Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about:
Use of phrases like "as you know", "as I have already told you", "effective immediately", etc
Replies that answer only one of several questions posed in the original email
Reply that includes multiple additions of individuals to the string via "cc" or "bcc".
Communications that include the use of emoticons (smiley faces, etc)
The sender of the email requests a "read receipt". Are you kidding me? I automatically delete and refuse to read anything with a read receipt.
The use of capital letters - stop yelling at me... I'm sensitive god damn it...
People that ask "how are you" but don't wait for the answer - Why are we all so obsessed with this question? When did it become the socially acceptable thing to do? Do me a favour and start counting how many people actually wait for a response or even care what it is if they do. I've taken a tip from Jim Carrey's Unnatural Act and started just fucking with people with responses like "Good thanks, as long as good equals recently being raped by a camel"... Guaranteed, that prick won't ask me "how I'm doing" again...
Fishing for Sympathy or Compliments with Facebook Status Updates - I actually do feel sympathy for the jackass that uses facebook as a vehicle to hook people into their web of self loathing and misery. You know exactly how these go, but here are a few recent examples from "my so called friends":
XXXX - is tired...sleep was a no show last night!
a status post like this is typically followed by multiple comments from similar d-bags (like - awww babes that sucks, or, me too, I think it was a full moon!). Of course, those who reply to the status post then expect reciprocal love when they post something pathetic later in the day
XXXX - effing ignore me c@#t when your the one who effing invited me over!!!!
Woah... ummm... are we supposed to reply to this status update? Keep you dirty laundry where it belongs honey.
Let me start this one off with yet another confession... most of my clothes suck. I have as much fashion sense as a dude coding it up in some fucking computer science lab with a Harry Potter t-shirt and some masking tape holding his glasses together. However, just because you don't possess the budget to purchase high end clothing or "the gay gene", doesn't mean that you can't have an opinion on what not to wear. Cutting to the chase, here it comes, the master list of things that you should never wear in public, unless you fancy getting beaten down by the fashion Nazis:
School branded jackets or shirts - 9 times out of ten, this is a guy or a lesbian that won some sort of trophy in high school. Let it go Carol. The jacket should be buried with the time capsule you pricks buried in grade 10.
Pajama pants outside of the home - how many times have you wandered into the grocery store or Home Depot and found some guy with asianesque bead head and pajama pants searching for wood?
Headbands, wristband or leg warmers - "Flash dance". Does anything more need to be said? I didn't think so:
Capri's (and/or manpris) - I'm fairly certain these were invented when some dude from France had to clean up a flood in his basement...
Suits that you got from your Grandpa, Dad, or Value Village - where do we start with this? First, you smell like old mothballs. Second, your elbows look like they are patched with black leather, but they are actually not...
Jean Shorts (Jorts) - let me take a wild guess here... you have a storage unit?
Footwear
Duck Boots - imagine how smart Mr. or Mrs Duck Boot thought they were when they came up with this gem of an idea. "I've got it! Lets combine the utility of rubber boots with the style of the moccasin."
Hiking Boots - Yes, let's all throw a kayak on our thule roof racks and head off into the wilderness, shall we...keep in mind, you never know what is waiting for you out in the woods... just ask those poor college kids who took that faitful hike to find the Blair Witch ...
Rubber Boots - just because rubber boots now come with patterns and designs vs. the old school plain black with orange highlights, doesn't necessarily make it appropriate to wear them to the mall...
Crocs - the word ridiculous was just graphically updated in my home version of Pictionary to be a multi-coloured rubbery shoe with holes in it known as a Croc. Why people?
Jesus Sandals - what the fuck are they called? Birkenstock's? Don't do it. Back away from the leather sandal. We all know how that ended up the last time...
The sock/sandal combo - I supposed if you are planning on doing some heavy sweating in your sandals, the argument could be made...
Sport Sandals - Hello Jim, lets go play squash in our sandals...
Jackets
Jean Jacket - don't mind me ladies, I'll just be pairing up these sweet $200 blue jeans with this legendary combo - the denim tuxedo...
Leather Jacket - did you park your motorcycle around back?
Windbreaker - the name itself is a dead giveaway for this...stupid! Raise your hand if you've ever felt warm on a windy day in one of these fucking things...?
Novelty Belt Buckles - did you stop into South of the Border on your way to Orlando? Pay for something legitimate.
Lulu Lemon Pants - there are very clearly two schools of thought here. School #1 says this - woooooo!!! This school believes that every woman look amazing in these pants. School #2 says this - dear god no!!!!. This school has seen the "moose knuckle".
Short Sleeved Dress Shirts - did you just get a job as a sales rep for WKRP in Cincinnati? Please give my regards to Herb Tarlek, Les Nesmond, or Dr. Johnny Fever...
Anything that can be described with the word "turtleneck" - I'll take this as a perfect opportunity to make fun of Tomas "mock turtleneck" Plekanec of the Montreal Canadiens (an NHL team for my readers in Ottawa who may not be aware of such a league).
Clothing that features an animal, especially a wolf - although I may also be intrigued by "wolves", having them prominently displayed on the sweatshirt you secured from Zellers does not send the message you may be looking for (i.e. I'm cool, I have a job, I respect life).
Overalls - Is that you Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Lets get some barbecue! You are the man... USA! USA! USA! Heyyyyooooooooo!!!!!!
So, there you have it. This list could really go on forever with things like tear away pants, shoulder pads, acid wash jeans, or granny panties. If you care about having sex in the next decade, review your own wardrobe immediately and discard anything that could remotely be connected with this list.
Finally, and completely off topic (or is it?), we move on to Lionel Ritchie. A man that I have been forced to listen to for over 34 years. Of course when I go back 34 years (the fall of '76), I'm really speaking of my early days as a sperm when my parents would fornicate to the sweet soothing sounds of "Hello" by the one and only L-Ritch. Strangely, a friend reminded me of this a few weeks ago with a forward including the following image... zoom in and suck it back...
For those of you who have jobs that don't actually depress the fuck out of you, this is probably not the post for you (although you may learn something). On the other hand, for all of us brainwashed "cattle" who continue to work in an office environment, I believe this will make total sense. What is it you ask? Well, it is of course the whole concept of "business speak". Business speak is quite simply the language that one is conditioned to use in an office/business setting. Just like when you are born and you are taught to speak a specific language (or several if you are not just a dumb North American), you begin your immersion in business speak from day 1 on the job. In many cases, you don't even know you are being conditioned to change the way you speak or the words you would normally use in specific situations. However, once it takes hold the language will bleed into every interaction you have with another human being.
Unfortunately, for those of us who may be jaded or cynical, the discovery of this reality can really alter your perception of every single interaction you have with your co-workers on a day to day basis. You begin to question very seriously the people you once called friends. Are these people seriously speaking like this? Did they always or is this new?
In my case, I have now been forced to find my own "happy place" prior to busting through the office doors with a stale coffee and a semi comb-over every morning. I am of course not that creative, so I just borrowed the most popular "happy place" I know from the genius mind of Happy Gilmore. With the exception of the chick from Modern Family, I have simply modified the characters by replacing the grandmother playing the slots with Betty White, and the midget on the unicycle with Gary Coleman (too soon?).
Thankfully for me, the happy place technique has helped me to get through the day to day grind of dealing with people whose insecurities with their own intelligence or capabilities forces them to employ business speak to validate their existence or position.
With that, here we go with some of the best words or phrases from the world of business speak:
"In my view" - like the old classic "My Girl" by Van Morrison, how fucking arrogant do you have to be to use this phrase? Some people like to switch this up in the form of a name drop to win an argument, like "In Joe's (ex. the CEO) view, a price increase is the only logical move".
"Thinking outside the box" - one of the most over-used phrases in any business setting. Dear everyone, I need you to think outside of the box on this one. We need some fresh new ideas that aren't "in the box". Break down the barriers people. Find me some ideas for the love of god.
"At the end of the day" - thank you for delivering your infinite wisdom to us lowly employees with this catch phrase... yes Uncle Rufus, the cat fish are huge.
"It is what it is" - at the risk of stating the obvious... brutal...
"Deep Dive" - most often used when there is a problem that needs some investigation, like "let's do a deep dive on our targeting problem...". Sure thing Scuba Steve, let me just get my mask and snorkel and I'll see you at the pier.
"Circle the wagons" - Usually used in reference to an inter-departmental defense strategy to protect the group from an imminent attack. Quick everyone, Charlie Sheen is coming... run....!!!
"Optics, Optically, etc" - this one is a beauty, usually referenced when you are being told why your idea would not be supported internally. Bob, we really appreciate the 100 hours you put in every week (despite your $40K salary), but optically we just can't pay you a bonus this year... I'm sure you understand...
"Ping" - For those of you who just can't stomach saying "email", you may switch over to "ping". Hey Carl, ping me on my bberry once you get that activity report all sorted out... fuck off.
"The 25,000 foot view" - much like thinking outside the box, this phrase is supposed to help us consider a problem/issue from a high level. So, if we are having high level thoughts while we are banging someone does that get us into the mile high club? Just asking...
"Let's take this offline" - are we all connected to some unknown internet portal that I'm unaware of? This is used to diffuse any discussion in a group meeting setting that one person may be uncomfortable with OR others may be irritated by.
"Lets noodle this a little" - I'm noodling this now and the results are in... I hate anyone who uses this phrase...
"Reinvent the wheel" - everyone has heard this, office or no office. I understand the meaning and agree with the premise, but why do so many people feel it necessary to say this? Can't we change it up? Does it make you dumb to say "if it ain't broke don't fix it"?
"Get on the same page" - sure, let's do that. Let's also sing from the same song sheet...
"Read the tea leaves" - Why not just say "let's look into our crystal ball"? I'm reading the tea leaves now and the future of anyone using this phrase is not what doctors would call pretty...
"On my radar" - Geez boss, thanks for keeping this product concept on your radar. I really wasn't aware you had such advanced technology in your office, but I'll never underestimate you again.
"Press the flesh" - Maybe its because I'm a relative germaphobe, but I find this disgusting. This is used to encourage sales people to get out of the office and get face to face with customers or prospects. Shake hands, kiss babies, press flesh... bring hand sanitizer.
"Game changer" - back to the brainstorm of ideas again. Those "out of the box" ideas from before were OK, but what we really need now is a game changer. An idea that will fundamentally shift the direction of this organization, like green ketchup or clear Pepsi. Get it kids? I didn't think so.
"Don't tell me my socks don't match if my hair is on fire" - Depending on how it is applied, I actually encourage more people to use this because it makes me laugh every time...
This is just really the "tip of the iceberg", but I think you probably get it by now. Is any of this really any worse than the new generation throwing around terms like "epic, pure, OMG, LOL, random, ballin', uber, etc"? Who the fuck knows anymore... Is it any wonder why people go postal?
As a society, we seem to spend a lot of time fussing over convincing people of the "right thing to do". This is generally messaged by whatever the flavor of the day might be for the tree huggers and metro sexual pricks out there, such as separating our raw garbage into a green bin, not using Styrofoam cups to drink our coffee, violence in hockey, or car pooling. You can spot anyone that adheres to these "general societal rules" by their fairly consistent shit eating grin and their fondness of honking at people who are talking on a cell phone while driving. Clearly, I hate these people. Why? Because while they are all obsessing over the trivial things in life, they are allowing some questionable characters and drug addicts to conceive entertainment for our children that, if understood by an adult, would quickly be classified as weapons of mass destruction aimed directly at our youth.
As a former pothead and father for 6 years now, I have seen my fair share of kids TV and movies for distinctly different reasons. In fact, if we use Malcolm Gladwell's definition of what makes one a true expert (10,000 hours of practice), then I would say I am a gold medalist or Nobel Prize winner in this category. The tipping point for me, and perhaps the inspiration behind this particular post, is the following little bit of insanity from a show called The Wiggles... As one individual pointed out in the comment section on youtube, this drug inspired puppet with the creepy face is clearly repeatedly pointing at his "junk" while a crab jumps up from down below (uhhhh what...)...
As I have explained others in the past, The Wiggles to me is like Mary Hart's voice to Kramer from Seinfeld. The only difference is that rather than having a seizure, I am immediately struck by a tidal wave of nausea causing diarrhea to bust from the seams... Do we really want our kids watching this? What exactly are we supposed to learn from this, other than to run when we see The Wiggles coming? Frankly, I'd rather have my kids watch Pulp Fiction than this show.... Having said that, I'm not sure what drug is used to inspire this lunacy, but I want it immediately.
Unfortunately this issue is not isolated to The Wiggles. In fact, I would hypothesize that over 65% of children's entertainment is created by those "under the influence" of some mind altering substance. As the following will explain, this is not just a recent phenomenon, rather one that has crossed several generations without anyone really knowing and/or caring. What's more, kids everywhere are eating this shit up like a junky with an eight ball (which raises the question... are people on drugs really just reverting to the mental state of a child? Is that why they enjoy it so much? More on that later).
Pee Wee's Playhouse - anyone in their mid 20's to 40's will remember this classic. Although I'm reasonably certain some illegal shit went on during the production of this show, it was legitimately good and funny. Unless of course, you were a member of the Playhouse Gang and were potentially exposed to some of the aforementioned illegal activity. I'll quickly summarize the show and let you determine whether you feel sobriety played any role in its creation... consider this - Pee Wee Herman (mentally unstable skinny guy with the gray suit) would arrive each episode to the Playhouse in Puppetland (red flag people). The house featured a collection of characters dug up from the unsettling subconscious mind of one Paul Reubens, such as: Chairy (a talking chair), The Magic Screen, Conky the Robot, Jambi the Genie and more. Can you say crystal meth... altogether now people... In addition to those on the interior of the Playhouse, it was often also visited by characters like Captain Carl or Cowboy Curtis. If for no other reason but a flashback to your own childhood, take a minute to watch this collection of disbelief...
In the Night Garden - you need only watch about 30 seconds of this show to draw the same conclusion that I have... they are on ACID... and a lot of it. You see, the night garden is essentially just one messed up trip that, according to show producers, is meant to help children relax and achieve a calming relationship with their parents... Are these the same people who think giving their kids Gravol while traveling is OK? Geez kids, why don't we cuddle under a blanket, watch someones acid flashback, eat some popcorn and form an even stronger bond! Wooo! Note to parents - anything featuring characters with names like Iggle Piggle, Ninky Nock, Makka Pakka or Upsy Daisy should be avoided at all costs. Watch this clip... you'll quickly understand...
Teletubbies - if you want to hypnotize kids with a TV show, look no further. If you yourself want to get fucked up and laugh, I'll repeat... look no further. Much like "In the Night Garden", this show seems to be one giant hallucination featuring multi-coloured characters of an unknown species named Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po who only seem to have the ability to speak (mostly gyberish) and move like babies (rolling around, touching bums, etc). Speaking of babies, the 'tubbies seem to really struggle with eating. If you get the chance, watch them down a healthy serving of Tubby Custard or Tubby Toast... true magic. The characters live in the Tubbytronic Superdome, which is naturally set in the backdrop of rolling greenery underneath the steady hand of the Sun God (enough said). Over the course of any episode, unforgettably ridiculous moments will occur, like the video segments screneed on the tv's located on their belly. If that is not ridiculous enough, periodically show producers will crank up the insanity a bit further and insert content that will leave you with several questions, like the time a pink house magically appeared with a puppetlike man singing from its window (huh?). If you have not seen this glorious masterpiece yet, you must. Here is a clip, which I believe directly speaks to the entire hypothesis of this post - the Teletubbies perform the Jimmy Hendrix classic Purple Haze...exactly...
Toopy & Binoo - I'm convinced that the creators of this show were watching old clips of the ambiguously gay duo from SNL while smoking a bong when WHAMMO the idea hit like hurricane Katrina - let's make a show about the adventures of a cross dressing mouse and a mute white plush cat. The outcome of this idea... you guessed it... disturbing kids TV. How about we model appropriate behaviour for kids by having Toopy and Binoo play together in a bubble bath? Yes, great idea Bob, do up the storyboard... (note to parents - there are websites devoted to the perceived inappropriate behaviour exhibited by our two heroes in this scene).
The digger you deep, the more you'll find evidence of drug use in the creation of kids entertainment. Shows or movies like The Neverending Story, Spirited Away, The Smurfs, Fraggle Rock, Sesame Street, or anything on the Disney Channel provide further proof. What do we do about it? Nothing. As long as we aren't wearing fur coats or using aerosol cans, then I guess everything is just the way it should be...right? The last word goes to my good man, Dave Chappelle:
