Oh the job interview, such a rich and meaty topic to deal with. Over my career, I've had the opportunity to interview well over a thousand potential candidates, so I guess you could say I'm somewhat of an expert on this topic. As the priest typically whispers to the alter boy in the back corner of the rectory, let us dig in...
Aside from the obvious, the job interview provides the interviewee with a few unique opportunities, like:
sweating profusely in the company of a complete stranger (note - you are not likely to get the job if you are visibly sweating)
excreting more pre-interview diarrhea than you ever thought possible (note - if you shit your pants during an interview, you are also not likely to get the job)
to barf out every possible cliche personality trait in under 30 minutes, like
I'm a people person - wow, good for you.
I'm goal oriented - wait for it... here comes the big red X right across your resume
I'm a team player - what does that even mean?
I'm a hard worker - Shocking answer from someone trying to get a job.
On the flip side, the interviewer gets a rare opportunity to control the destiny/fate of the interviewee. Some serious power is in their hands. Nobody should take this responsibility lightly, but some do (like the asshole who interviewed me from Xerox once and try to get me to pitch him on the $5 Seiko watch he was wearing). Having said that, the interviewer should take the opportunity to creatively fuck with people... with a purpose of course. For example, here are some questions you might consider asking if you find yourself on the right side of the desk in the future:
If you were married and a rich man who looked a lot like Robert Redford offered you $1M for one night with your wife, would you accept the offer OR turn it down?
If the answer is accept, they have revealed that money is a motivator and they will sacrifice their integrity for $. Depending on the position, this is either a positive or negative.
One night... one million dollars...
Do you ever wish you were a character on Lost? If so, which one?
The answer to this question reveals if a) they are a nerd, and b) how big of a nerd they are. For example, if they say Jack you know they are a nerd with leadership qualities. If they said Hurley on the other hand, well... end the interview
Wow...
If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?
This will tell you nothing, other than whether or not they like hot dogs. I love hot dogs and would never hire anyone who didn't eat them.
If I could guarantee no jail time and gave you a loaded gun, who would you kill?
Correct answer is NOBODY. Anything else proves morale corruption.
Tell me about the first time you masturbated to a photo of a co-worker?
If nothing else, a descriptive answer will make the interview more interesting...
What is your position on gay marriage?
Tells you whether or not they have an open mind or reveals ignorance
Are you ok with being struck by a leather whip at the office?
Are they willing to work under slave conditions... Hopefully.
In 50 words or less, please describe your last alien encounter? Also, please say "tin foil" three times in your response.
Can they tap into creativity, but limit the output...
Would you have travelled in the phone booth with Bill & Ted on their Excellent Adventure? If so, who would have been your favourite historical figure?
The answer to this should be yes and Socrates
How much experience do you have living or working in cult communes?
Are they potentially crazy?
Would you mind at all if I carried on the rest of the interview in the character of Ben Matlock?
Do they respect diversity or at least people with multiple personality disorder?
So there you go. The next time you are interviewing someone, be creative and really probe to the core of who they are. Feel free to use any of the questions above, I'm here to help. Finally, a touching tribute as we head into Saturday night...
