Stop Reading "The News"

Stop the press mothafuckas... cause "the news" is dead.  When and why did we allow the profession of journalism to be cheapened to a level equal to or less than what used to only be contained in the pages of the National Enquirer?  Now I realize that everyone has a job to do, and ultimately the media is simply trying to sell something (namely getting enough eyeballs on their "shit" to justify the $ they are demanding for their advertising properties), but why must we all focus on glorifying the humane?

I'm not sure what is worse - the articles themselves or the fact that our society seems to get off on all that is wrong with the human race (think Jerry Springer).  One thing is for sure..."Slum dog journalism" is on the rise - pick up your tablet, turn on the tv, or go old school and get a newspaper and you'll see.

To prove this point, lets take a scan of the top 100 headlines of the day from my favorite news conglomerate.  I'll add commentary, just to diffuse what is otherwise generally fucking weird and/or disturbing:

• Couple seeking threesome snared in hooker sweep - now that doesn't seem fair... Having said that, note to self... remove all posts from various porn sites (adult friend finder) advertising my desire for an immediate threesome with a hooker...
• Fired sex change teacher won't be silenced - I'll bet... what with the breasts of a woman and the cock of an giraffe, you would need a zoologist or an experienced veterinarian to silence that "thing".
• Baby squirrel pepper sprayed by cop - I guess patrolling the streets for nasty red squirrels must be one level below traffic cop duty.  Anyway, congratulations to officer jackass - a true community hero.
• RCMP mum on using stun gun on boy aged 11 - what, no comment?  Really, I thought you would have a fairly in depth explanation as to why you felt the need to use a stun gun on an 11 year old... Not that any of us would actually need an explanation, it seems totally justified and understandable after-all.
• Neighbor charged after senior given meth-cookie - you can be charged for that?  Shit...I knew that was a bad idea... This is exactly what I imagine the "neighbor" with the meth-cookies to look like:

• Baby stabbed to death, mom charged - so let me just get this straight, you carried a fetus inside your uterus for up to 9 months... you then passed said fetus through the walls/drapes known as your vagina, you developed horrid irreversible stretch marks on your belly, and allowed your once perky breasts to look more like cucumbers than oranges... AND THEN YOU STABBED YOUR BABY?  Fuck you.  You deserve what you get. 
• Man accused of using wrestling moves on toddler - my heart goes out to Randy Macho Man Savage on this day... the years of steroid abuse and psychological trauma from losing the Intercontinental Championship to Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat in '87 finally caught up to him and he was forced to try and pull his patented "diving elbow drop" with a 4 year old...  Don't stop believing Randy... a comeback is clearly in the works.

• Woman charged after allegedly biting child - this story is simply a good reminder to never hire someone to babysit your children that insists on carrying his or her own barbeque sauce in their purse or "man bag".... step away from the child honey...

So, there you have it.  Our world is fucked and we seem to love it.  A word of advice though, stop consuming the garbage that the media serves up to you and focus your time and energy on something that matters (like being charitable to those in your city vs. participating in a fundraiser for earthquake victims in a country across an ocean so you look cool).  It will be too late soon enough.  Either way, the sun will come out... tomorrow....